2 beers, half a bottle of wine and a bag of M&Ms later...
Here I am, pensive, but stumped. The Matrix Revolutions is playing in the background (not nearly as clever as the first in the series).
Dave drunk dialed me tonight. I didn't realize it at first, but soon it became clear. It stung: he doesn't find me attractive when he's sober, but when his beer goggles are on, he feels free to call me. The whole thing made me feel cheap. When I called him out, he backpedaled and tried to deny it. It will be interesting to see how he handles this when he sobers up.
So here I am, comfortably buzzed and over-indulging on chocolate. If this isn't emotional eating, then I don't know what is.
I owe a friend an apology. Sharing this concern in this space is a bit weird for me as I don't want this to seem like a passive/aggressive tactic to avoid facing her. I haven't actually told her this yet, but releasing this feeling/worry is a good thing for me right now. I owe her an apology because she was trying to help me last week, and my responses to her didn't express that I appreciated it. Before I talk about the apology, I need to explain my current state of angst.
A while back, I took stock in my life--who I am and the kind of lifestyle I want to lead--and I realized how far off the mark I am from what I want. So I made an effort to incorporate a variety of changes, and when these didn't pan out as I expected (or wanted), I felt disillusioned about life.
As I work through this icky feeling of disappointment and regret, I was caught off-guard when she asked how I feel right now. This is why I owe her an apology: I tried to describe how I felt, but I used the wrong words. For example, I wanted to tell her how I feel like the color red...but instead of describing the color red to her, I described the color yellow...and she was listening, so she thinks I feel like yellow, and she responded with words of encouragement and suggestions, but it frustrated me because I knew this was wrong. I wanted her to understand that I felt red, but since I wasn't using the correct language, she couldn't hear me...she wasn't understanding me. And I think I frustrated her too...I owe her an apology for using the wrong language.
I want her to know that in spite of my seemingly self-absorbed misery, I was listening to her. Much of what she suggested stuck with me. I've been mulling over my feelings and how/why I feel so frustrated, so all of these uneasy thoughts replay through my mind. But I'm still working through it. In fact, it's almost a week later, and things she said are still on my mind. I just need to finish this so I can share it with her.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
I was made for you...
At some point, I want to talk about my mini-marathon experience and how it's all made me feel...but I think a lot of those feelings are still stuffed below the surface and my mind is clogged right now. Hopefully I'll find a way to come back to it.
Tonight I want to write about happiness.
I'm reading this book right now called "Stumbling on Happiness." It's an interesting read, though not exactly riveting. It's written by a psychology professor so it's got just a tad too much nerdiness for the non-academic reader. Perhaps this is why I'm still reading it.
It's an interesting take on what I'm calling the Theory of Happiness Relativity.
I'm not happy. But I'm also not sad. I'm simply "not happy." I'm not sure how to define this...it's a feeling of discontent/frustration/disappointment...but it is not the same as the sadness I've felt before. [Sidebar: the book talks about a condition known as "numbfeel" in which awareness and emotional experience are disconnected...also called "alexithymia" in scientific cirlces as a term to describe people who lack the introspective awareness of how they feel. I find this condition fascinating...as a scholar of words and the power/effect that words have on people, it's quite a phenomena in which the lexicon and language tools are there, but the emotional ability to articulate is missing.]
Does it matter that I can't describe what "not happy" means and feels to me? Perhaps it doesn't...and perhaps it's more valuable to recognize that I still need to work out what will make me happy. And yet, my down time finds me mulling over this state of not happiness, so I know that deep down, it matters. Maybe it's because I've spent a significant portion of my adult life drowning in sadness...and since lifting from that state, I've found the words to describe it. Therefore, I'm frustrated that I can't find the words to explain "not happy."
In a related side note, I do my own therapy sessions...unfortunately, these aren't always scheduled at my convenience. Today's session suddenly occured during my shower. [Sidebar (again): I do my "best" thinking in the shower, while I'm driving, or when I'm washing dishes. Like other ADHD creative people, these high energy spurts come about when I'm engaged in a captivating activity...such as showering, driving, or washing dishes. I discovered this about myself a few years ago, but it wasn't until recently that I realized my mother is the same way...which is why I think she keeps herself busy and on the move at all times. I can recall as a child watching her when she was doing something at home--folding laundry, curling her hair, or working a crossword puzzle--she doesn't know this, but I'd catch her lips moving like she was talking to herself (or, as I realize now, she was either preparing her response to a projected conversation or playing out the fantasy of a conversation she wished to have). Now that I have these thought bursts too, I've realized she might also be working through her ideas for the writing projects she's never finished.]
No one understands me. Now, I don't mean to toss that out like some over-generalization of a tortured pseduo-academic, overthinking, single female. I mean that when it comes down to the basics of basics, there isn't one person who really, really, REALLY understands me. The kind of understanding I'm referring to here is the kind that not only comes from knowing the history of me, but being there for me as I experience new things. This is the kind of understanding that is somewhat tied to my intimate space (not necessarily sexual intimacy) or not only knowing the details of my past and witnessing the experiences of my present, but being able to connect the dots. I don't mean to imply that I'm so complex that it requries someone with astounding intelligence to understand me. I'm really much more simple than that. What it speaks to, however, is a desire to know me (or at least a lack of fear to know me).
That was my big epiphany today...that there isn't one person who completely understands me. Is that what a "soul mate" means? What does it mean (or better, what does it require) to truly know someone?
And yes, this segues perfectly into my parting thoughts...my latest CD purchase is Brandi Carlile's "The Story." Not only is her music soothing, intelligent, and fitting for the occasion, but her lyrics are quite thought-provoking. [Sidebar (last one, I promise!!): she had a concert at the Music Mill tonight. I didn't have tickets or anyone to attend with me, but I gave it serious thought to catch this show by myself. Bill once shared with me how he attends concerts by himself and at the time, my heart nearly broke for him. I think the emotional energy of concerts are best received when shared with someone else. I kept imagining this lonely man feeling without anyone to share in the connection of the music...but now I understand. Does this mean I've matured or that I'm now truly a desperate woman???]
Her title track is fabulous. Not only does the melody grab at my heart and force me to sit up and pay attention, but the lyrics seem like they are an extension of my own disconnected thoughts (though surprisingly connected when set to music). A few segments from her song:
"All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am, but these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to..."
"...all of my friends who think that I am blessed, they don't know that my head is a mess. No, they don't know who I really am, and they don't know what I've been through like you do..."
Isn't that what this is all about? This is why we build our communities of trust and companionship...this is why we seek out love and take the risk to fall in love with someone else...above all else, humans desire emotional connection to others. Unfortunately for some of us, this companionship is elusive.
My need to be understood is so brazen right now. What if I can't resolve this? Is that even an option?
Tonight I want to write about happiness.
I'm reading this book right now called "Stumbling on Happiness." It's an interesting read, though not exactly riveting. It's written by a psychology professor so it's got just a tad too much nerdiness for the non-academic reader. Perhaps this is why I'm still reading it.
It's an interesting take on what I'm calling the Theory of Happiness Relativity.
I'm not happy. But I'm also not sad. I'm simply "not happy." I'm not sure how to define this...it's a feeling of discontent/frustration/disappointment...but it is not the same as the sadness I've felt before. [Sidebar: the book talks about a condition known as "numbfeel" in which awareness and emotional experience are disconnected...also called "alexithymia" in scientific cirlces as a term to describe people who lack the introspective awareness of how they feel. I find this condition fascinating...as a scholar of words and the power/effect that words have on people, it's quite a phenomena in which the lexicon and language tools are there, but the emotional ability to articulate is missing.]
Does it matter that I can't describe what "not happy" means and feels to me? Perhaps it doesn't...and perhaps it's more valuable to recognize that I still need to work out what will make me happy. And yet, my down time finds me mulling over this state of not happiness, so I know that deep down, it matters. Maybe it's because I've spent a significant portion of my adult life drowning in sadness...and since lifting from that state, I've found the words to describe it. Therefore, I'm frustrated that I can't find the words to explain "not happy."
In a related side note, I do my own therapy sessions...unfortunately, these aren't always scheduled at my convenience. Today's session suddenly occured during my shower. [Sidebar (again): I do my "best" thinking in the shower, while I'm driving, or when I'm washing dishes. Like other ADHD creative people, these high energy spurts come about when I'm engaged in a captivating activity...such as showering, driving, or washing dishes. I discovered this about myself a few years ago, but it wasn't until recently that I realized my mother is the same way...which is why I think she keeps herself busy and on the move at all times. I can recall as a child watching her when she was doing something at home--folding laundry, curling her hair, or working a crossword puzzle--she doesn't know this, but I'd catch her lips moving like she was talking to herself (or, as I realize now, she was either preparing her response to a projected conversation or playing out the fantasy of a conversation she wished to have). Now that I have these thought bursts too, I've realized she might also be working through her ideas for the writing projects she's never finished.]
No one understands me. Now, I don't mean to toss that out like some over-generalization of a tortured pseduo-academic, overthinking, single female. I mean that when it comes down to the basics of basics, there isn't one person who really, really, REALLY understands me. The kind of understanding I'm referring to here is the kind that not only comes from knowing the history of me, but being there for me as I experience new things. This is the kind of understanding that is somewhat tied to my intimate space (not necessarily sexual intimacy) or not only knowing the details of my past and witnessing the experiences of my present, but being able to connect the dots. I don't mean to imply that I'm so complex that it requries someone with astounding intelligence to understand me. I'm really much more simple than that. What it speaks to, however, is a desire to know me (or at least a lack of fear to know me).
That was my big epiphany today...that there isn't one person who completely understands me. Is that what a "soul mate" means? What does it mean (or better, what does it require) to truly know someone?
And yes, this segues perfectly into my parting thoughts...my latest CD purchase is Brandi Carlile's "The Story." Not only is her music soothing, intelligent, and fitting for the occasion, but her lyrics are quite thought-provoking. [Sidebar (last one, I promise!!): she had a concert at the Music Mill tonight. I didn't have tickets or anyone to attend with me, but I gave it serious thought to catch this show by myself. Bill once shared with me how he attends concerts by himself and at the time, my heart nearly broke for him. I think the emotional energy of concerts are best received when shared with someone else. I kept imagining this lonely man feeling without anyone to share in the connection of the music...but now I understand. Does this mean I've matured or that I'm now truly a desperate woman???]
Her title track is fabulous. Not only does the melody grab at my heart and force me to sit up and pay attention, but the lyrics seem like they are an extension of my own disconnected thoughts (though surprisingly connected when set to music). A few segments from her song:
"All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am, but these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to..."
"...all of my friends who think that I am blessed, they don't know that my head is a mess. No, they don't know who I really am, and they don't know what I've been through like you do..."
Isn't that what this is all about? This is why we build our communities of trust and companionship...this is why we seek out love and take the risk to fall in love with someone else...above all else, humans desire emotional connection to others. Unfortunately for some of us, this companionship is elusive.
My need to be understood is so brazen right now. What if I can't resolve this? Is that even an option?
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
"Nothing to Lose" by Mat Kearney
I had to make a visit to a prospective supplier this week. Since they're located only a few hours from the plant, I drove for this trip. Once I got outside of the city, it wasn't a bad drive--a straight shot up to the northern part of the state along a state highway. Good, easy drives always lead to a clearing of my mind and either new project ideas or at least a some sort of mental aerobics that gives my mind a workout.
I have a new CD. It's a copy of the latest from Mat Kearney. I saw his concert a few weeks ago (with Rocco Deluca, my new crush), and I love, LOVE this CD. Track 10 (All I Need) is my new obsession. I played this CD over and over while I drove and it led to all sorts of thoughts about school, my job, and (of course) D. I'm ready to make some decisions.
[Sidebar: Mat Kearney quotes a friend and says that driving through the Midwest is friendly and lonely. As I think this through, I agree that the roads *are* lonely. I've made the Detroit to Indy drive for years, plus the Indy to Cincy, Indy to Nashville, and Indy out west...but all of my trips, while lonely, do give me a sense of peace during the drive, so as I think about his statement, I agree, but as a native Hoosier, I take comfort in that (or at least I think so). When I lived in LA, I had an interesting conversation with a non-native client through the hotel. When he learned I was moving back home, he commented that he knew I wasn't Caly native. When I lived in Mississippi, I met someone there who had lived (and raised children) in Marion, IN for a short while. To an audience of southern women, she explained Hoosier Hospitality in relation to southern hospitality...in the south, there is a genuine friendliness, but it's borne out of etiquette and a deeply entrenched decorum while Hoosier Hospitality may not extend out of manners, but when the graciousness is extended, it's for real. How the hell do I get off on these tangents?]
One last diversion...while Rocco Deluca emotes a sexy ephemeral persona regardless of his music, Mat Kearney projects a boy next door sexiness only evident in his music. It's a mind fuck state...and boy, do I tend to fall for those. I like the boys not so easy on the eyes, but when they open the window to their soul, I fall head over heels.
But back to what I discovered today. Part of my thought exercise leads me to ask, am I heavy with hope and anticipation or light with apprehension and concern? It's not just a question for me...you could benefit from this too. I'm not sure how to answer this just yet. I think that some days I live my life heavy with apprehension and concern, so I need to figure out how I flip this around so the heaviness leaves my heart.
I've started working through the heavy decisions associated with finishing my degree. I think there are a few factors fueling this: a former academic friend resurfacing and trying to carve a space back into my life. I want to open my heart to this again, and with it my prior pain and disappointment of school comes back to stare me in the face. But more than that is the what, when and how associated with completion. I need to accept not only what I want, but make sure I carve out the space and time to devote to this. So of course I recognize that I'm very scared.
I believe (it's true, even if I'm alone with my thoughts) that Academia is The Black Widow of social science. Those who've been exposed to her would agree, I think. It's all just a game, but those who survive it are able to carve out a space for themselves as they move forward in life.
The problem for me is that I'm still stinging for the ass-kicking she gave me. This wasn't a standard push-me-to-my-limits kind of ass-kicking. This was a spirit sucking, ego smashing, confidence shattering ass-kicking. I invested the best parts of me into her, and when she kissed me, she sucked the life right out of me and left me to deal with the empty carcass that no longer even looked like me. Academia is the Bitch of all bitches. She is selfish, self-absorbed, vain, and always in need of fresh blood to infuse more life into her. And naïve me didn't see it coming.
Part of me is still a fighter, and I want to argue that this time I'm armed and dangerous and she won't be able to exploit me again. Sometimes our impact and the effect we have on life is fueled more by our assertion than our action.
But unlike past loves, I have not forgotten what Academia did to me. I know what she looks like, I know where she likes to hide, and I've gotten used to her pattern for haunting me. I'm very much aware that Academia is a femme fatale. Academia led me to disillusionment, and I crumbled as a result. This will not happen to me twice.
So part of me is scared.
What do I do?
I have a new CD. It's a copy of the latest from Mat Kearney. I saw his concert a few weeks ago (with Rocco Deluca, my new crush), and I love, LOVE this CD. Track 10 (All I Need) is my new obsession. I played this CD over and over while I drove and it led to all sorts of thoughts about school, my job, and (of course) D. I'm ready to make some decisions.
[Sidebar: Mat Kearney quotes a friend and says that driving through the Midwest is friendly and lonely. As I think this through, I agree that the roads *are* lonely. I've made the Detroit to Indy drive for years, plus the Indy to Cincy, Indy to Nashville, and Indy out west...but all of my trips, while lonely, do give me a sense of peace during the drive, so as I think about his statement, I agree, but as a native Hoosier, I take comfort in that (or at least I think so). When I lived in LA, I had an interesting conversation with a non-native client through the hotel. When he learned I was moving back home, he commented that he knew I wasn't Caly native. When I lived in Mississippi, I met someone there who had lived (and raised children) in Marion, IN for a short while. To an audience of southern women, she explained Hoosier Hospitality in relation to southern hospitality...in the south, there is a genuine friendliness, but it's borne out of etiquette and a deeply entrenched decorum while Hoosier Hospitality may not extend out of manners, but when the graciousness is extended, it's for real. How the hell do I get off on these tangents?]
One last diversion...while Rocco Deluca emotes a sexy ephemeral persona regardless of his music, Mat Kearney projects a boy next door sexiness only evident in his music. It's a mind fuck state...and boy, do I tend to fall for those. I like the boys not so easy on the eyes, but when they open the window to their soul, I fall head over heels.
But back to what I discovered today. Part of my thought exercise leads me to ask, am I heavy with hope and anticipation or light with apprehension and concern? It's not just a question for me...you could benefit from this too. I'm not sure how to answer this just yet. I think that some days I live my life heavy with apprehension and concern, so I need to figure out how I flip this around so the heaviness leaves my heart.
I've started working through the heavy decisions associated with finishing my degree. I think there are a few factors fueling this: a former academic friend resurfacing and trying to carve a space back into my life. I want to open my heart to this again, and with it my prior pain and disappointment of school comes back to stare me in the face. But more than that is the what, when and how associated with completion. I need to accept not only what I want, but make sure I carve out the space and time to devote to this. So of course I recognize that I'm very scared.
I believe (it's true, even if I'm alone with my thoughts) that Academia is The Black Widow of social science. Those who've been exposed to her would agree, I think. It's all just a game, but those who survive it are able to carve out a space for themselves as they move forward in life.
The problem for me is that I'm still stinging for the ass-kicking she gave me. This wasn't a standard push-me-to-my-limits kind of ass-kicking. This was a spirit sucking, ego smashing, confidence shattering ass-kicking. I invested the best parts of me into her, and when she kissed me, she sucked the life right out of me and left me to deal with the empty carcass that no longer even looked like me. Academia is the Bitch of all bitches. She is selfish, self-absorbed, vain, and always in need of fresh blood to infuse more life into her. And naïve me didn't see it coming.
Part of me is still a fighter, and I want to argue that this time I'm armed and dangerous and she won't be able to exploit me again. Sometimes our impact and the effect we have on life is fueled more by our assertion than our action.
But unlike past loves, I have not forgotten what Academia did to me. I know what she looks like, I know where she likes to hide, and I've gotten used to her pattern for haunting me. I'm very much aware that Academia is a femme fatale. Academia led me to disillusionment, and I crumbled as a result. This will not happen to me twice.
So part of me is scared.
What do I do?
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Kiss the Cook
Once again D is heavy on my mind.
I've been feeling a lot of pressure at work lately due to increasing demands in the market plus changes happening within my team. All of this leaves me feeling emotionally raw so that when I come home from work and face an empty home and litte social life, I don't feel much is there to reinvigorate me. I recognize that my self-renewal must come from me...but I can't seem to find the appropriate outlet for this. The walking and training is a good energy outlet, but it's not enough. I'm wresting with my self-image demons and until these are conquered, I don't think exercise will help me let go of the pressures at work.
I think this is why I turn to wine. I haven't found anything that helps me temperarily release my stress quite as well as alcohol...but this is not without its side effects as well. Bloating, can't lose weight, headaches, and sometimes fatigue.
Giving up alcohol was perhaps a bit too much right now, but I think it's important that I keep perspective.
Anyway........D is on my mind because we had sex last week. Yes, I broke every single one of the rules I set with him. But I don't feel ashamed and I don't feel anxious. It's rather odd.
It was an odd night to begin with. The beatings from work left me drained, so I sought refuge through D, beer, and good food. During the course of the evening, I encountered a friend I haven't seen in years (he's the ex-husband of my college roommate and been avoiding all of us because of what he did to her), a colleague from work (one who had created a significant amount of my work pressure), and my boss's daughter (never met her before, just recognized her from the picture on his desk)...during which quite a lot of beer was consumed by everyone.
The state of my intoxication is why I spent the night with D, but I'm not sure I can say that is the reason I had sex with him. It's probably why I wasn't weighing the consequences, but I need to own that it's because of my loneliness and feelings for him that I didn't stop it from happening.
All of my no-touch rules were to protect my heart. Open communication (and the ability to articulate our thoughts and feelings) is one of the key strengths that we have together. I *know* his heart is not available, and I *know* where he stands with his ex...therefore I *know* he will break my heart if I give it to him. But then this also means I'm not taking the risk, and I'm no better off than before. And yet, I don't feel anxious about what happened because I don't pretend that it means something more than what it was--spontaneous drunk sex between two lonely people. It is sad, however, that it can't be more than that.
I wish he weren't on my mind so much.
In totally unrelated news, I've wagered a domestics contest with a coworker...I'll call him Brawny (like the papertowel man). Recently he's been putting a lot of home improvement efforts into his house, and he likes to boast his accomplishments with before and after pictures. He's also been a tremendous help for me in my new role, and through his support, we've bonded in an almost competitive way. When I need immediate help, I bribe him with beer. When I want to show my gratitude, I give him worms and beer or I bring him Starbucks. When I'm in a jam with my supplier, I wager that he's not able to bail me out which then ups the stakes of the issue. And most recently, we have a lunch bet on the line to see whose supplier will step up and out-perform the other.
Brawny sent me pictures of his kitchen remodeling project, and he mentioned his mother is coming to town to help him finish the interior painting. This led to my stories about my folks and their home improvement projects for me, and I started bragging about the shower curtain my mother made me. (Really, it's the most fabulous shower curtain ever and it really puts the finishing touch on how that bathroom looks.) Brawny said it couldn't compare to his recent bathroom remodel in which he retiled the floor and the tub area. So now it's on. We're going to compete against each other to see who created the best looking bathroom. We're compiling a list of judges now, but I'm not sure what the stakes are other than we're both overly proud of our domestic talents and neither wants to concede that the other could be better.
It's on.
I've been feeling a lot of pressure at work lately due to increasing demands in the market plus changes happening within my team. All of this leaves me feeling emotionally raw so that when I come home from work and face an empty home and litte social life, I don't feel much is there to reinvigorate me. I recognize that my self-renewal must come from me...but I can't seem to find the appropriate outlet for this. The walking and training is a good energy outlet, but it's not enough. I'm wresting with my self-image demons and until these are conquered, I don't think exercise will help me let go of the pressures at work.
I think this is why I turn to wine. I haven't found anything that helps me temperarily release my stress quite as well as alcohol...but this is not without its side effects as well. Bloating, can't lose weight, headaches, and sometimes fatigue.
Giving up alcohol was perhaps a bit too much right now, but I think it's important that I keep perspective.
Anyway........D is on my mind because we had sex last week. Yes, I broke every single one of the rules I set with him. But I don't feel ashamed and I don't feel anxious. It's rather odd.
It was an odd night to begin with. The beatings from work left me drained, so I sought refuge through D, beer, and good food. During the course of the evening, I encountered a friend I haven't seen in years (he's the ex-husband of my college roommate and been avoiding all of us because of what he did to her), a colleague from work (one who had created a significant amount of my work pressure), and my boss's daughter (never met her before, just recognized her from the picture on his desk)...during which quite a lot of beer was consumed by everyone.
The state of my intoxication is why I spent the night with D, but I'm not sure I can say that is the reason I had sex with him. It's probably why I wasn't weighing the consequences, but I need to own that it's because of my loneliness and feelings for him that I didn't stop it from happening.
All of my no-touch rules were to protect my heart. Open communication (and the ability to articulate our thoughts and feelings) is one of the key strengths that we have together. I *know* his heart is not available, and I *know* where he stands with his ex...therefore I *know* he will break my heart if I give it to him. But then this also means I'm not taking the risk, and I'm no better off than before. And yet, I don't feel anxious about what happened because I don't pretend that it means something more than what it was--spontaneous drunk sex between two lonely people. It is sad, however, that it can't be more than that.
I wish he weren't on my mind so much.
In totally unrelated news, I've wagered a domestics contest with a coworker...I'll call him Brawny (like the papertowel man). Recently he's been putting a lot of home improvement efforts into his house, and he likes to boast his accomplishments with before and after pictures. He's also been a tremendous help for me in my new role, and through his support, we've bonded in an almost competitive way. When I need immediate help, I bribe him with beer. When I want to show my gratitude, I give him worms and beer or I bring him Starbucks. When I'm in a jam with my supplier, I wager that he's not able to bail me out which then ups the stakes of the issue. And most recently, we have a lunch bet on the line to see whose supplier will step up and out-perform the other.
Brawny sent me pictures of his kitchen remodeling project, and he mentioned his mother is coming to town to help him finish the interior painting. This led to my stories about my folks and their home improvement projects for me, and I started bragging about the shower curtain my mother made me. (Really, it's the most fabulous shower curtain ever and it really puts the finishing touch on how that bathroom looks.) Brawny said it couldn't compare to his recent bathroom remodel in which he retiled the floor and the tub area. So now it's on. We're going to compete against each other to see who created the best looking bathroom. We're compiling a list of judges now, but I'm not sure what the stakes are other than we're both overly proud of our domestic talents and neither wants to concede that the other could be better.
It's on.
Friday, April 13, 2007
In tennis, love means zero...
Friendship with D is very difficult for me. I told him that the other day, but then I backpedaled how I tried to describe it to him. I didn't want him to think it's due to the emotional heaviness he's suffering through on his own right now. And that much is true. It's not because of him and his issues...but it is because of him and my issues.
[Sidebar: How many times have I been back to this sad and lonely place? Each time I talk myself into taking a risk and put an effort into letting go, I look down and get scared. So I cower back into my safe place, retreat into my shell, and rush through all discomfort I feel. How many times is this now?]
I'm still struggling to articulate why it's difficult, but I have a few examples to illustrate. I can recall one of the times he kissed me before he left my place. I remember that it felt good, but after I said goodbye and closed the door, I suddenly burst into tears. I was so confused because I didn't know why I was crying--nice date, good kiss--but I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad, but because I felt raw. So I tried to just take in the moment. I thought about how hard it was for me to accept the risk of someone new, but I also thought about Bryce. I didn't know why he popped into my mind, but the whole vulnerable feeling of the moment was apparent to me. My crying was sudden, surprising, and it ended abruptly. I dismissed the ordeal as a side effect of learning to open my heart again.
Being friends with D is also difficult because in spite of being honest with him about my feelings, I still could not let go of my fear (of rejection, a broken heart, ridicule). I offered friendship, but when he waffled on that, I closed up and took cover from the pain...basically, I ran away and tried to rush through the discomfort I felt. But when he reeled me back in with a plea to reconsider, my tough façade crumbled (again), and here I am living each moment in discomfort. Smart Girl postures with Carrie Bradshaw talk and a Cosmo Girl walk...but Lonely Girl is the real reflection in the mirror. Who's kidding who? I think it's all me.
Another example I can share happened at the concert. Standing there alone, I worried he wouldn't show up. Soon after he arrived, I thought I saw Bryce...which, of course, conjured up more memories than I care to admit. It was precisely the kind of music and venue I would have attended with Bryce years ago. I found myself absorbed by the sound and really feeling the energy of the music embrace me, and it left me feeling raw and passionate yet restless. Old memories of concerts past flooded my mind--memories I'd long since forgotten--and lost feelings of love and being loved surfaced at this moment. And yet I was at this concert with D, but as a friend.
Things with Bryce started as a simple friendship. I wasn't even attracted to him when I met him. D talked about timing the other night, and I couldn't agree more...the way in which I fell in love with Bryce had everything to do with the appropriate timing for us both. It just didn't last, as I grew up in a way different from him and we no longer shared the same idea for how to live a full life with each other.
I'm still left trying to understand why friendship with D is still difficult. I've accepted our boundaries and individual limitations. I recognize his heart lies with someone else. To me, all of this is visible and there are no games. I suspect it's still difficult, however, because of the last of the unfinished Bryce business I have yet to resolve. I thought it was long gone, but certain forgotten bits are still trying to work their way out of my body, I think.
Love Thirty.
[Sidebar: How many times have I been back to this sad and lonely place? Each time I talk myself into taking a risk and put an effort into letting go, I look down and get scared. So I cower back into my safe place, retreat into my shell, and rush through all discomfort I feel. How many times is this now?]
I'm still struggling to articulate why it's difficult, but I have a few examples to illustrate. I can recall one of the times he kissed me before he left my place. I remember that it felt good, but after I said goodbye and closed the door, I suddenly burst into tears. I was so confused because I didn't know why I was crying--nice date, good kiss--but I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad, but because I felt raw. So I tried to just take in the moment. I thought about how hard it was for me to accept the risk of someone new, but I also thought about Bryce. I didn't know why he popped into my mind, but the whole vulnerable feeling of the moment was apparent to me. My crying was sudden, surprising, and it ended abruptly. I dismissed the ordeal as a side effect of learning to open my heart again.
Being friends with D is also difficult because in spite of being honest with him about my feelings, I still could not let go of my fear (of rejection, a broken heart, ridicule). I offered friendship, but when he waffled on that, I closed up and took cover from the pain...basically, I ran away and tried to rush through the discomfort I felt. But when he reeled me back in with a plea to reconsider, my tough façade crumbled (again), and here I am living each moment in discomfort. Smart Girl postures with Carrie Bradshaw talk and a Cosmo Girl walk...but Lonely Girl is the real reflection in the mirror. Who's kidding who? I think it's all me.
Another example I can share happened at the concert. Standing there alone, I worried he wouldn't show up. Soon after he arrived, I thought I saw Bryce...which, of course, conjured up more memories than I care to admit. It was precisely the kind of music and venue I would have attended with Bryce years ago. I found myself absorbed by the sound and really feeling the energy of the music embrace me, and it left me feeling raw and passionate yet restless. Old memories of concerts past flooded my mind--memories I'd long since forgotten--and lost feelings of love and being loved surfaced at this moment. And yet I was at this concert with D, but as a friend.
Things with Bryce started as a simple friendship. I wasn't even attracted to him when I met him. D talked about timing the other night, and I couldn't agree more...the way in which I fell in love with Bryce had everything to do with the appropriate timing for us both. It just didn't last, as I grew up in a way different from him and we no longer shared the same idea for how to live a full life with each other.
I'm still left trying to understand why friendship with D is still difficult. I've accepted our boundaries and individual limitations. I recognize his heart lies with someone else. To me, all of this is visible and there are no games. I suspect it's still difficult, however, because of the last of the unfinished Bryce business I have yet to resolve. I thought it was long gone, but certain forgotten bits are still trying to work their way out of my body, I think.
Love Thirty.
Monday, April 02, 2007
One year older, but one year wiser? My heart says no...
Tomorrow is my birthday.
I find that my evening walks open the opportunity for my mind to clear and my thoughts and ideas will surface. During a walk last week, I started down memory lane with all of my birthdays from 21 to present and why somewhere around 24 I stopped wanting to celebrate this day with other people. After thinking through the different celebrations, I realized that when well-meaning friends try to take over the day, then it ends up making me feel worthless and, as a result, I feel like shrinking to make myself less visible on this supposed very self-aware day. I've also realized that despite the whole list of dysfunctional feelings that result from spending time with my family, my birthday is the one celebration I like to have with them. These well-meaning friends have turned my special day into a battleground, and that makes me loathe the day it comes around.
Tomorrow is my birthday and, for the first time in at least 5 years, I'm actually looking forward to celebrating this day with someone else. I do wonder if it's because it's a day that I've let sneak up on me, or if it's because I'm in a new place with myself and open to the goodness that life can give me. I also wonder if it's because I'm spending the evening with D.
The rational and realistic side of my brain reminds me that D is still in love with his ex and, more than that, not attracted to me. The emotional side remembers how much fun I have when I spend time with him. And even though I've put forth every single rational and realistic roadblock I can imagine, my heart is in this and, I fear, in for a beating. I don't know how to stop it.
All I know to do is daily, DAILY, remind myself where things stand with us and where his heart still lives. It's like daily affirmations for carnal living.
I tried to break it off and even break off the friendship, but he reached back for me and I couldn't resist. I still don't know if it's because I'm up for the adventure or if it's because I'm desperate for attention from anyone--even someone who isn't into me the way I am into him. This could also be the wine talking, but I don't want to foreclose this thought process by protocol. I need to recognize where my heart is in this and accept what I've chosen to follow.
I want to ensure that I do not delude myself into thinking he will change his heart, nor do I want to sit around waiting for him. True, this sounds reasonable and even smart. But am I already playing roulette with my heart? Or is pursuing a platonic friendship really the only way to re-learn how to just be his friend?
I find that my evening walks open the opportunity for my mind to clear and my thoughts and ideas will surface. During a walk last week, I started down memory lane with all of my birthdays from 21 to present and why somewhere around 24 I stopped wanting to celebrate this day with other people. After thinking through the different celebrations, I realized that when well-meaning friends try to take over the day, then it ends up making me feel worthless and, as a result, I feel like shrinking to make myself less visible on this supposed very self-aware day. I've also realized that despite the whole list of dysfunctional feelings that result from spending time with my family, my birthday is the one celebration I like to have with them. These well-meaning friends have turned my special day into a battleground, and that makes me loathe the day it comes around.
Tomorrow is my birthday and, for the first time in at least 5 years, I'm actually looking forward to celebrating this day with someone else. I do wonder if it's because it's a day that I've let sneak up on me, or if it's because I'm in a new place with myself and open to the goodness that life can give me. I also wonder if it's because I'm spending the evening with D.
The rational and realistic side of my brain reminds me that D is still in love with his ex and, more than that, not attracted to me. The emotional side remembers how much fun I have when I spend time with him. And even though I've put forth every single rational and realistic roadblock I can imagine, my heart is in this and, I fear, in for a beating. I don't know how to stop it.
All I know to do is daily, DAILY, remind myself where things stand with us and where his heart still lives. It's like daily affirmations for carnal living.
I tried to break it off and even break off the friendship, but he reached back for me and I couldn't resist. I still don't know if it's because I'm up for the adventure or if it's because I'm desperate for attention from anyone--even someone who isn't into me the way I am into him. This could also be the wine talking, but I don't want to foreclose this thought process by protocol. I need to recognize where my heart is in this and accept what I've chosen to follow.
I want to ensure that I do not delude myself into thinking he will change his heart, nor do I want to sit around waiting for him. True, this sounds reasonable and even smart. But am I already playing roulette with my heart? Or is pursuing a platonic friendship really the only way to re-learn how to just be his friend?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
A Day in the Life of...
I'm not sure how I should organize my thoughts right now...I want to talk about my second race last week (and how the endorphin rush inspired new thoughts for Ultimate Running race activities), I *need* to talk about D, and I have workplace updates to sort through...I just don't know where to start.
Workplace News: major changes are taking place within my division of the company, and I'm going have a slew of new opportunities to consider. One of the biggest consequences of these changes means a split in location--some of us will remain in Indy and others will be relocated to Chantilly. Where is Chantilly? I thought it meant we'd be moving to the UK, but apparently Chantilly is a suburb of DC. I cannot explain how excited this news makes me feel. I really miss the urban life I had in Detroit, and I am going to tell my management they can redeploy me to this location if they'd like. I'm single, no house, no kids, and my family doesn't live here anymore, so I could be ready for this. Better yet, I'm on the team that gets to create the detail and structure to support the changes that have already been approved, so I'll have a little advance knowledge of how these changes could affect me. I really think this could be a good thing for me.
Mini-Marathon Training News: I participated in the 10K. I felt good, my endorphins kicked into overdrive, and although I know I need more intense training to be prepared for the race in May, I think I'm on track for the 15K. Completing these races do not make me feel satisfied or give me a sense of accomplishment, and no matter how I try to look at it, there is still this deep (emotional) ache that doesn't go away...but they do provide me the reassurance that I CAN do this, and I'm using each race as a litmus test for the limitations of my body. I've already accepted I will not complete these races as a runner, but I've decided that when the race series ends in May, I'm going to start another training program that will put me on track to run the race series next year. Learning how to run seems exciting to me, and I look forward to it. But first, I MUST drop some additional weight or else I could kill my knees because of the extra stress.
The good news is this race didn't dredge up any past emotional baggage related to my sense of self and whether or not I'm a "good enough" woman. I have a lot of body shame, and that seeped through during the last race. But this race was good...I kept an even pace, I was forward-focused, and even though I started to feel fatigue in my feet by the last mile, I was able to finish. Um, this time 6 people finished behind me. I'm picking 7 for my next race.
Next race: 15K in 4 weeks.
So now it's time to talk about D...again. So to recap: I met the boy, dated for a while, really enjoyed his company and tried to allow myself to be open to possibility of love. I reached a point in which I knew it was not so simple to just date him, but I was fairly certain he was not in the same place as me given prior conversations we had. Also, in spite of the many times he proclaimed himself quite open with people, I found him hard to figure out and he often seemed distant and closed off from me...like he was on the defensive around me, and I could not figure out why. After an amazing date that ended for me with the fear of a broken heart, I started to close off my heart to him. It was the only way I knew to protect it. He pulled away too, and I read this as disinterest.
In the same sudden manner that he disappeared from me, he popped back into my life. So this time I made the decision for my heart. I told him how I felt, what I feared, and that I was making a decision to close off the possibility of dating, but I wanted to remain friends. I honestly thought this was possible due to how we never jumped into anything and I was willing to close off that part of my heart. Over the many, many years I've done this, I find that I've become quite skilled at it. I did not want to lose him as a friend, and I thought that we could do this.
And yet he disappeared again. So I did not chase him. But he'd make a brief appearance in the form of an email, text message, or telephone call, but if I responded, he'd disappear again. So I called him out last night, and it was a bizarre and disappointing phone call. He confused me, he danced around what he was trying to say, and even though he was saying that yeah, being friends would be cool, it didn't feel sincere, and I was left feeling like the joke...like somehow I wasn't getting that despite his words, this was a polite form of good bye.
After weeks of feeling at peace with myself, I now felt like crap and like a loser. I made the decision this morning that not only do I not have the time to feel this way, but that I wasn't going to chase this. As much as I really, really, really enjoy the time I spend with him (and honestly feel capable of closing off the dating feelings), I couldn't allow myself to feel this bad about it. So I said good bye to him. Yes, in an email. I just couldn't talk to him anymore if I was going to be left feeling more empty and rotten after we speak. And I really meant my good bye too. It was sad, but I was at peace with this. I've had to learn the hard way that I must continue to do what's right for me, even if it isn't right for someone else. What I need, above all else right now, is to feel protected. And trying to figure out D was not very safe for me.
And then I did my normal cleansing ritual I do when a relationship ends. I deleted all emails, his phone number, and anything that would leave a memory of him. It was too painful. I also prepared myself for the fact that he might respond. I was very careful in my decision to say good bye. I did not do this as a ploy, so I made a decision that I would not answer him if he tried to reach out one last time.
Except I was not prepared for his message to me. Without exposing the details, he not only reached out to me to be his friend, but he shared some deeply personal things he's been struggling with, he owned that he should have shared these with me before, and he asked me to reconsider and give him another chance to be my friend...he really poured his heart out to me and showed me a vulnerable and real side of him that he's not shared before.
I'm still angry, though I'm not sure I'm angry at him. I think I'm angry that I still feel connected and his message really struck my heart. But my anger is subsiding, and if he's sincere, I think I can be his friend. Although I still feel cagey and on-guard, so it might take me a while to soften with him again. But I did soften enough to respond. I told him I appreciated his candor, but I needed some time to process his message. I also told him that I wouldn't bail on him, but he needed to figure out how to stop pushing me away. And I said I couldn't date him.
So. I have a lot to think about, and I don't know what I'll say to him. I want to make sure I don't lose sight of me in this.
Workplace News: major changes are taking place within my division of the company, and I'm going have a slew of new opportunities to consider. One of the biggest consequences of these changes means a split in location--some of us will remain in Indy and others will be relocated to Chantilly. Where is Chantilly? I thought it meant we'd be moving to the UK, but apparently Chantilly is a suburb of DC. I cannot explain how excited this news makes me feel. I really miss the urban life I had in Detroit, and I am going to tell my management they can redeploy me to this location if they'd like. I'm single, no house, no kids, and my family doesn't live here anymore, so I could be ready for this. Better yet, I'm on the team that gets to create the detail and structure to support the changes that have already been approved, so I'll have a little advance knowledge of how these changes could affect me. I really think this could be a good thing for me.
Mini-Marathon Training News: I participated in the 10K. I felt good, my endorphins kicked into overdrive, and although I know I need more intense training to be prepared for the race in May, I think I'm on track for the 15K. Completing these races do not make me feel satisfied or give me a sense of accomplishment, and no matter how I try to look at it, there is still this deep (emotional) ache that doesn't go away...but they do provide me the reassurance that I CAN do this, and I'm using each race as a litmus test for the limitations of my body. I've already accepted I will not complete these races as a runner, but I've decided that when the race series ends in May, I'm going to start another training program that will put me on track to run the race series next year. Learning how to run seems exciting to me, and I look forward to it. But first, I MUST drop some additional weight or else I could kill my knees because of the extra stress.
The good news is this race didn't dredge up any past emotional baggage related to my sense of self and whether or not I'm a "good enough" woman. I have a lot of body shame, and that seeped through during the last race. But this race was good...I kept an even pace, I was forward-focused, and even though I started to feel fatigue in my feet by the last mile, I was able to finish. Um, this time 6 people finished behind me. I'm picking 7 for my next race.
Next race: 15K in 4 weeks.
So now it's time to talk about D...again. So to recap: I met the boy, dated for a while, really enjoyed his company and tried to allow myself to be open to possibility of love. I reached a point in which I knew it was not so simple to just date him, but I was fairly certain he was not in the same place as me given prior conversations we had. Also, in spite of the many times he proclaimed himself quite open with people, I found him hard to figure out and he often seemed distant and closed off from me...like he was on the defensive around me, and I could not figure out why. After an amazing date that ended for me with the fear of a broken heart, I started to close off my heart to him. It was the only way I knew to protect it. He pulled away too, and I read this as disinterest.
In the same sudden manner that he disappeared from me, he popped back into my life. So this time I made the decision for my heart. I told him how I felt, what I feared, and that I was making a decision to close off the possibility of dating, but I wanted to remain friends. I honestly thought this was possible due to how we never jumped into anything and I was willing to close off that part of my heart. Over the many, many years I've done this, I find that I've become quite skilled at it. I did not want to lose him as a friend, and I thought that we could do this.
And yet he disappeared again. So I did not chase him. But he'd make a brief appearance in the form of an email, text message, or telephone call, but if I responded, he'd disappear again. So I called him out last night, and it was a bizarre and disappointing phone call. He confused me, he danced around what he was trying to say, and even though he was saying that yeah, being friends would be cool, it didn't feel sincere, and I was left feeling like the joke...like somehow I wasn't getting that despite his words, this was a polite form of good bye.
After weeks of feeling at peace with myself, I now felt like crap and like a loser. I made the decision this morning that not only do I not have the time to feel this way, but that I wasn't going to chase this. As much as I really, really, really enjoy the time I spend with him (and honestly feel capable of closing off the dating feelings), I couldn't allow myself to feel this bad about it. So I said good bye to him. Yes, in an email. I just couldn't talk to him anymore if I was going to be left feeling more empty and rotten after we speak. And I really meant my good bye too. It was sad, but I was at peace with this. I've had to learn the hard way that I must continue to do what's right for me, even if it isn't right for someone else. What I need, above all else right now, is to feel protected. And trying to figure out D was not very safe for me.
And then I did my normal cleansing ritual I do when a relationship ends. I deleted all emails, his phone number, and anything that would leave a memory of him. It was too painful. I also prepared myself for the fact that he might respond. I was very careful in my decision to say good bye. I did not do this as a ploy, so I made a decision that I would not answer him if he tried to reach out one last time.
Except I was not prepared for his message to me. Without exposing the details, he not only reached out to me to be his friend, but he shared some deeply personal things he's been struggling with, he owned that he should have shared these with me before, and he asked me to reconsider and give him another chance to be my friend...he really poured his heart out to me and showed me a vulnerable and real side of him that he's not shared before.
I'm still angry, though I'm not sure I'm angry at him. I think I'm angry that I still feel connected and his message really struck my heart. But my anger is subsiding, and if he's sincere, I think I can be his friend. Although I still feel cagey and on-guard, so it might take me a while to soften with him again. But I did soften enough to respond. I told him I appreciated his candor, but I needed some time to process his message. I also told him that I wouldn't bail on him, but he needed to figure out how to stop pushing me away. And I said I couldn't date him.
So. I have a lot to think about, and I don't know what I'll say to him. I want to make sure I don't lose sight of me in this.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Judith Butler would be ashamed of me...
I'm so mad right now, I could spit.
I never really did understand the logic behind that statement, but I hear it all of the time. Frankly, the statement makes me feel trapped inside some ridiculous 20th century coming-of-age (pre-Judy Blume era) novel...you know what kind I'm talking about--where we're supposed to fall in the love with the heroine who is aching to challenge the Establishment, but she's caught between wanting to follow the freedom that will unlock her heart and her immobilizing fear of breaking the norm, so she's reconditioned to present her docile and ever-so-subordinate young woman idolized during that time.
Society never welcomes the Bitch into her house, does she?
Because I worry of workplace retaliation, I need to be careful how I tell this story. The boring sketch tells the story of a friend who traveled last week with a male co-worker from another team, and this co-worker said and did inappropriate things that made her uncomfortable, so while she did inform her boss upon her return, she doesn't want to file a complaint because she's afraid of the corporate sexual harassment policy (zero tolerance) that might cost him his job and all she wants is to ensure she doesn't have to travel with him again. Something a lot of women have probably experienced, yes?
What makes me mad are the details of her story. As she unraveled the events, I grew more horrified with each example she provided, as it is clear this co-worker not only lacks tact, but his actions suggest that he was trying to create opportunities to be alone with her AND isolate her from other people. This is where borderline social nerd turns creepy. Oh, and then there was the absolutely blatant sexual pick-up involving a hot tub...but I've rushed ahead too much and need to back up a bit.
This co-worker has poor personal hygiene and is beyond morbidly obese, but he seems to have a pleasant demeanor in spite of his tendency to say and do embarrassing things in social situations. He has a history of disclosing too much personal information--my friend learned on a prior team trip that this co-worker and his wife engage in extra-marital sexual activities, and I learned on a team trip with him that he once had a fight with his ex-wife in which she locked him out of the bedroom, so he kicked down the door causing her to draw a gun on him, upon which he physically struck her in an attempt to defend himself. Oh, how the color gray looks different to everyone.
Days before this trip, he suggested she bring along her swimsuit because the hotel had a hot tub. The look of horror on her face must have been apparent because he quickly tried to come back with a witty comment about a fat man in a Speedo. She shared this story with me and we both had a good laugh. I wished her well on her trip.
The first night of their trip, he came to her room and knocked on her door close to midnight. She was caught off guard, and she didn't open the door to him. The next day, he overshared with her his personal frustration with our company and openly complained about the members of their team. In front of the supplier, he made a disparaging remark about our company, somewhat compromising his credibility to those who were present. My friend was embarrassed, but again, shrugged it off as more tactless behavior. That evening before they headed out to dinner, she tried to schedule a ride to the airport with the hotel shuttle, but he interrupted her request, created a loud scene in the hotel lobby, and informed her he would take her to the airport in the morning (despite the 3 hour difference between their departing flights on different airlines). In a subordinating tone, he cut off her conversation with "We'll discuss this over dinner." During dinner, he continued to make disruptive scenes so other patrons would look their way. When he noticed her shiver because of the cold air, he said, "Well, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to warm you up is to put you in the hot tub when we get back." Completely stunned, my friend responded, "The only thing I'll be doing when I return to the hotel is my Accounting homework," to which he tried to offer his tutoring services to her, but she continued to decline. Due to her people-pleasing and I-don't-want-to-cause-a-scene demeanor, she accepted the ride to the airport the next morning, but not only did he cause them to leave the hotel late, he headed in the opposite direction from the airport and refused to turn around for nearly 4 miles. When he dropped her off at Departures, she thought she was finally rid of his inappropriate behavior for the time being, but then he showed up at her gate and waited with her until she boarded her flight. Did I mention his flight left 3 hours later and on a different airline?
Is this the odd behavior of a socially awkward and lonely man, or does it suggest predatory/stalking behavior? In this day and age of zero tolerance sexual harassment, most corporate policies leave little room to resolve the gray area of inappropriate behavior that causes someone discomfort. Most men consider corporate policies skewed unfairly in favor of women with little room for men to explain their side of the story. For every case of true sexual harassment, it seems as if there is a corresponding case of false accusation. So what are we supposed to do? Without actual harm as a result of the encounter, how does one sincerely interpret what happened and why they feel uncomfortable? Women are socially groomed to silently endure discomfort and only speak out when they are truly harmed. Besides, no woman wants to be known as the person who got someone fired simply because he made her feel uncomfortable. Social and personal comfort is so subjective these days.
I truly feel for my friend. As she told her story, she tried to explain what his intent could have meant with his actions...in essence, she was trying to rationalize away how he made her feel. I reminded her that it did not matter his intent--he could be sincere and nerdy and unaware that he crossed a line or he could have been trying to create an opportunity for an invitation--it really doesn't matter what he intended nor will she ever know without confronting him...the bottom line is that his actions were inappropriate, and that is not something she should ignore.
I feel for my friend because I recognize all too well that her need to soothe the situation and not stir up trouble with the company is part of how women are socially conditioned to be docile. In my mind, she should have felt empowered to stand up for herself, call out his behavior and inform him when he crossed the line, but in all honestly, I know that if I were to be in her situation, I would have done much of the same as her--I would have tried to endure the best I can and have minimal contact, not challenge him, and try to make myself as small and invisible as possible, praying that my trip would end soon so I could get back to my comfort zone.
WHY IS THAT??? Why do we do that? I'm tired. I need to ponder this some more.
I never really did understand the logic behind that statement, but I hear it all of the time. Frankly, the statement makes me feel trapped inside some ridiculous 20th century coming-of-age (pre-Judy Blume era) novel...you know what kind I'm talking about--where we're supposed to fall in the love with the heroine who is aching to challenge the Establishment, but she's caught between wanting to follow the freedom that will unlock her heart and her immobilizing fear of breaking the norm, so she's reconditioned to present her docile and ever-so-subordinate young woman idolized during that time.
Society never welcomes the Bitch into her house, does she?
Because I worry of workplace retaliation, I need to be careful how I tell this story. The boring sketch tells the story of a friend who traveled last week with a male co-worker from another team, and this co-worker said and did inappropriate things that made her uncomfortable, so while she did inform her boss upon her return, she doesn't want to file a complaint because she's afraid of the corporate sexual harassment policy (zero tolerance) that might cost him his job and all she wants is to ensure she doesn't have to travel with him again. Something a lot of women have probably experienced, yes?
What makes me mad are the details of her story. As she unraveled the events, I grew more horrified with each example she provided, as it is clear this co-worker not only lacks tact, but his actions suggest that he was trying to create opportunities to be alone with her AND isolate her from other people. This is where borderline social nerd turns creepy. Oh, and then there was the absolutely blatant sexual pick-up involving a hot tub...but I've rushed ahead too much and need to back up a bit.
This co-worker has poor personal hygiene and is beyond morbidly obese, but he seems to have a pleasant demeanor in spite of his tendency to say and do embarrassing things in social situations. He has a history of disclosing too much personal information--my friend learned on a prior team trip that this co-worker and his wife engage in extra-marital sexual activities, and I learned on a team trip with him that he once had a fight with his ex-wife in which she locked him out of the bedroom, so he kicked down the door causing her to draw a gun on him, upon which he physically struck her in an attempt to defend himself. Oh, how the color gray looks different to everyone.
Days before this trip, he suggested she bring along her swimsuit because the hotel had a hot tub. The look of horror on her face must have been apparent because he quickly tried to come back with a witty comment about a fat man in a Speedo. She shared this story with me and we both had a good laugh. I wished her well on her trip.
The first night of their trip, he came to her room and knocked on her door close to midnight. She was caught off guard, and she didn't open the door to him. The next day, he overshared with her his personal frustration with our company and openly complained about the members of their team. In front of the supplier, he made a disparaging remark about our company, somewhat compromising his credibility to those who were present. My friend was embarrassed, but again, shrugged it off as more tactless behavior. That evening before they headed out to dinner, she tried to schedule a ride to the airport with the hotel shuttle, but he interrupted her request, created a loud scene in the hotel lobby, and informed her he would take her to the airport in the morning (despite the 3 hour difference between their departing flights on different airlines). In a subordinating tone, he cut off her conversation with "We'll discuss this over dinner." During dinner, he continued to make disruptive scenes so other patrons would look their way. When he noticed her shiver because of the cold air, he said, "Well, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to warm you up is to put you in the hot tub when we get back." Completely stunned, my friend responded, "The only thing I'll be doing when I return to the hotel is my Accounting homework," to which he tried to offer his tutoring services to her, but she continued to decline. Due to her people-pleasing and I-don't-want-to-cause-a-scene demeanor, she accepted the ride to the airport the next morning, but not only did he cause them to leave the hotel late, he headed in the opposite direction from the airport and refused to turn around for nearly 4 miles. When he dropped her off at Departures, she thought she was finally rid of his inappropriate behavior for the time being, but then he showed up at her gate and waited with her until she boarded her flight. Did I mention his flight left 3 hours later and on a different airline?
Is this the odd behavior of a socially awkward and lonely man, or does it suggest predatory/stalking behavior? In this day and age of zero tolerance sexual harassment, most corporate policies leave little room to resolve the gray area of inappropriate behavior that causes someone discomfort. Most men consider corporate policies skewed unfairly in favor of women with little room for men to explain their side of the story. For every case of true sexual harassment, it seems as if there is a corresponding case of false accusation. So what are we supposed to do? Without actual harm as a result of the encounter, how does one sincerely interpret what happened and why they feel uncomfortable? Women are socially groomed to silently endure discomfort and only speak out when they are truly harmed. Besides, no woman wants to be known as the person who got someone fired simply because he made her feel uncomfortable. Social and personal comfort is so subjective these days.
I truly feel for my friend. As she told her story, she tried to explain what his intent could have meant with his actions...in essence, she was trying to rationalize away how he made her feel. I reminded her that it did not matter his intent--he could be sincere and nerdy and unaware that he crossed a line or he could have been trying to create an opportunity for an invitation--it really doesn't matter what he intended nor will she ever know without confronting him...the bottom line is that his actions were inappropriate, and that is not something she should ignore.
I feel for my friend because I recognize all too well that her need to soothe the situation and not stir up trouble with the company is part of how women are socially conditioned to be docile. In my mind, she should have felt empowered to stand up for herself, call out his behavior and inform him when he crossed the line, but in all honestly, I know that if I were to be in her situation, I would have done much of the same as her--I would have tried to endure the best I can and have minimal contact, not challenge him, and try to make myself as small and invisible as possible, praying that my trip would end soon so I could get back to my comfort zone.
WHY IS THAT??? Why do we do that? I'm tired. I need to ponder this some more.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Pre-Race Jitters
I'm in a pensive mood right now...these moments happen when I'm the right mix of relaxed and stimulated at the same time (if that makes sense)...like not a sleepy/dreamy relaxed, but the kind of relaxed in which I don't have a laundry list of things I need to do running through my mind.
I'll be the first to admit, sometimes it's the alcohol. However, tonight is my last drink for the rest of the week. Including wine. I have a race next Saturday, and I want to be at my optimum performance and not suffering from a sulfide-induced headache. [Besides, I just poured off the last of my Absolut so it's a good time to pretend I'm abstaining for Lent.]
"You come off as totally self-confident, but why not take a peek behind that oh-so-confident façade. Are you actually a little bit frightened of romantic attachment? Of intimacy and the vulnerability that goes along with it? Hey, that's totally normal. The question is, why do you try so hard to hide it? Ponder that this month."
I told you He talks to me through my horoscopes. No one else knows I struggle with this exact issue. I go back and forth, wrestling with my mind and my heart...I recently took the easy way out with D and am putting forth a valiant effort to close off my heart. I'm still struggling with this. And so He spoke to me again today: "Don't automatically give up what you want--examine the situation."
And so now I need to talk about D again.
I was at ease with my decision to tell D that it's better if we're just friends for now. It still feels like the most rational and logical decision under the circumstances. Besides, it eased my stress and cleared my mind...it allowed me to redirect my thoughts to the critical stuff at work.
Yes, I was afraid of getting hurt, but this isn't all about me. It's about him too. He's not ready (or he's not ready for me). I don't want to take a risk with him and then lose even the possibility of friendship with him, so this seems like the most reasonable (and yes, I admit, SAFE) thing to do.
So I gave up what I wanted because I was afraid. But you know, you cannot choose someone who isn't available to be chosen...so is that really giving up or is it a stalemate?
In other news of changes with Ruby...the longest relationship I've ever had with any hairdresser is the one that I have right now. When T got married, this is the woman who created my fabulous up-do. When I moved back to this state, I immediately worked my way into her limited schedule.
I trust her completely. Each cut, style, and coloring that she's given me...I've taken these risks from her suggestion. This last change is no exception. I went in for a trim and new highlights, and I left with a 5 inches cut off and a new do. The biggest risk is how her style can look fabulous when I leave her shop but it's essentially unrepeatable when left to my own devices the next day. However, this one may be a keeper. Not only was I able to reproduce her style, but I think I'm going to really like the new things I can do with it too.
So happiness (at least for today) is that I have new glasses and new hair...alas, I'll be content with this for a while.
Right now the weather indicates warmer temperatures (30s-40s) but 40% chance of rain next Saturday...I’m not sure which is worse--the bitter cold and biting wind (but no rain), or tolerable temperatures with water splattering in my face. 6 miles is going to take me approximately an hour and 45 minutes to finish...this will be interesting. More to post on that when it happens.
p.s. I watched the film "Hard Candy" last night. Um, this is perhaps one of the darkest films I've watched in a while...the castration scene was handled extremely well and despite not showing any bit of the gore, I struggled to sit still and be able to watch the scene in full...the actor did a phenomenal job really creating the tension for us. It's like "Misery" meets "Take Back the Night"...Ellen Page was amazing.
I'll be the first to admit, sometimes it's the alcohol. However, tonight is my last drink for the rest of the week. Including wine. I have a race next Saturday, and I want to be at my optimum performance and not suffering from a sulfide-induced headache. [Besides, I just poured off the last of my Absolut so it's a good time to pretend I'm abstaining for Lent.]
"You come off as totally self-confident, but why not take a peek behind that oh-so-confident façade. Are you actually a little bit frightened of romantic attachment? Of intimacy and the vulnerability that goes along with it? Hey, that's totally normal. The question is, why do you try so hard to hide it? Ponder that this month."
I told you He talks to me through my horoscopes. No one else knows I struggle with this exact issue. I go back and forth, wrestling with my mind and my heart...I recently took the easy way out with D and am putting forth a valiant effort to close off my heart. I'm still struggling with this. And so He spoke to me again today: "Don't automatically give up what you want--examine the situation."
And so now I need to talk about D again.
I was at ease with my decision to tell D that it's better if we're just friends for now. It still feels like the most rational and logical decision under the circumstances. Besides, it eased my stress and cleared my mind...it allowed me to redirect my thoughts to the critical stuff at work.
Yes, I was afraid of getting hurt, but this isn't all about me. It's about him too. He's not ready (or he's not ready for me). I don't want to take a risk with him and then lose even the possibility of friendship with him, so this seems like the most reasonable (and yes, I admit, SAFE) thing to do.
So I gave up what I wanted because I was afraid. But you know, you cannot choose someone who isn't available to be chosen...so is that really giving up or is it a stalemate?
In other news of changes with Ruby...the longest relationship I've ever had with any hairdresser is the one that I have right now. When T got married, this is the woman who created my fabulous up-do. When I moved back to this state, I immediately worked my way into her limited schedule.
I trust her completely. Each cut, style, and coloring that she's given me...I've taken these risks from her suggestion. This last change is no exception. I went in for a trim and new highlights, and I left with a 5 inches cut off and a new do. The biggest risk is how her style can look fabulous when I leave her shop but it's essentially unrepeatable when left to my own devices the next day. However, this one may be a keeper. Not only was I able to reproduce her style, but I think I'm going to really like the new things I can do with it too.
So happiness (at least for today) is that I have new glasses and new hair...alas, I'll be content with this for a while.
Right now the weather indicates warmer temperatures (30s-40s) but 40% chance of rain next Saturday...I’m not sure which is worse--the bitter cold and biting wind (but no rain), or tolerable temperatures with water splattering in my face. 6 miles is going to take me approximately an hour and 45 minutes to finish...this will be interesting. More to post on that when it happens.
p.s. I watched the film "Hard Candy" last night. Um, this is perhaps one of the darkest films I've watched in a while...the castration scene was handled extremely well and despite not showing any bit of the gore, I struggled to sit still and be able to watch the scene in full...the actor did a phenomenal job really creating the tension for us. It's like "Misery" meets "Take Back the Night"...Ellen Page was amazing.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Desperately Seeking Stevie...
"A million delightful ideas are crowding your head, and your spirit is as effervescent as seltzer water. It's a great time to mix in with a big crowd...they'll love your enthusiasm."
Translation: you have ADD and you've been identifying too well with the vodka & soda drinks at the bar...it's time to lose yourself in the chaos around you.
Yes, I would say His sense of humor has returned.
Training kicked my ass hard today. Today was my endurance day, and I'm a week behind the schedule. I ran/walked 5 miles today at the gym. That's the longest distance I've ever hit in one session, and it's just a mile and change under the distance for my next race, the 10K. I feel good that I made it and I feel comfortable that I'll make it through the next event.
Except I feel like I need to hack off my left foot. It's throbbing in pain, and I was actually limping around my apartment when I came home. Something is not right with that foot, and I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do about it. If this is what happens after 5 miles, I'm afraid of what will happen when I walk the mini-marathon.
I am soooooooo out of shape. 5 miles really hurt me, and I ended up soaking in a hot bath with a tall, icy vodka & soda to ease my pain. It worked, but I'm not sure it's a race-sanctioned recovery practice and I probably should refrain from sharing it with others. Oh well, the bath has me warm and relaxed (and my skin so freakin' soft right now...it's a shame I have no boy to share this with). As soon as I finish this post, I'm off to winky town.
Oh! I almost forgot! I found out today that Stevie Nicks is going on tour with Chris Isaak this summer, but there isn't any ticket information available on her website except for a few shows in Vegas next month.
I love Chris Issak.
I LOVE Stevie Nicks.
Therefore I MUST find tickets to this show.
All I want for my birthday is a ticket to this show. I cannot explain how overwhelmingly excited I am right now. I have no one I know of that would want to go with me, but I don't care. I am in love with the notion that I could see both of them together at one venue. This is better than The Police reunion or meeting Billy Corgan in person. I have no idea if she'll even make it to Indy, but I'll catch a Detroit or Chicago venue if I have to...I will now stalk her official website until it provides updated tour information. I'm so excited right now...
Translation: you have ADD and you've been identifying too well with the vodka & soda drinks at the bar...it's time to lose yourself in the chaos around you.
Yes, I would say His sense of humor has returned.
Training kicked my ass hard today. Today was my endurance day, and I'm a week behind the schedule. I ran/walked 5 miles today at the gym. That's the longest distance I've ever hit in one session, and it's just a mile and change under the distance for my next race, the 10K. I feel good that I made it and I feel comfortable that I'll make it through the next event.
Except I feel like I need to hack off my left foot. It's throbbing in pain, and I was actually limping around my apartment when I came home. Something is not right with that foot, and I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do about it. If this is what happens after 5 miles, I'm afraid of what will happen when I walk the mini-marathon.
I am soooooooo out of shape. 5 miles really hurt me, and I ended up soaking in a hot bath with a tall, icy vodka & soda to ease my pain. It worked, but I'm not sure it's a race-sanctioned recovery practice and I probably should refrain from sharing it with others. Oh well, the bath has me warm and relaxed (and my skin so freakin' soft right now...it's a shame I have no boy to share this with). As soon as I finish this post, I'm off to winky town.
Oh! I almost forgot! I found out today that Stevie Nicks is going on tour with Chris Isaak this summer, but there isn't any ticket information available on her website except for a few shows in Vegas next month.
I love Chris Issak.
I LOVE Stevie Nicks.
Therefore I MUST find tickets to this show.
All I want for my birthday is a ticket to this show. I cannot explain how overwhelmingly excited I am right now. I have no one I know of that would want to go with me, but I don't care. I am in love with the notion that I could see both of them together at one venue. This is better than The Police reunion or meeting Billy Corgan in person. I have no idea if she'll even make it to Indy, but I'll catch a Detroit or Chicago venue if I have to...I will now stalk her official website until it provides updated tour information. I'm so excited right now...
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Screw Kappa Napa
I've been thinking a lot about emotions and what they mean. Things happen to us that leave a mark in time. These marks are our wounds, and we carry our wounds around with us until they kill us.
Visibility is a trap.
How many ways can I say that? How many ways can I describe it? If we're not careful, we can be trapped by our pain. But if we're too careful, we can disappear into oblivion and no one will ever see us again.
I am quite unhappy with my life right now. This is a productive kind of unhappiness, though. I'm angry and frustrated, so it motivates me to do something to make my life happy again. This is different from the kind of unhappiness I've experienced before in which depression just takes a vice grip kind of hold over me.
I think much of my unhappiness stems from feeling stuck and unable to make a coherent decision. Usually I just make decisions and move from there. I have the ability to accept the consequences--even those that are unknown--and a belief that I'll persevere, or at least a belief that no matter the consequences, I'll still come out ahead. Decisions (even the poor ones) are what move me forward in life.
But lately I've felt stuck (some might call it creative constipation), and because I've worried that my decisions might leave me with consequences worse off than the kind of life I have now, I've put my decisions on hold. It's quite frustrating how this reluctance to act can have a more powerful grip than simply moving forward (even if forward is really backwards).
I hope I'm making sense.
I watched Running With Scissors this evening and, as brilliant as this cast is, I don't think the director was able to capture the bizarre magic of the actual memoir. Augusten's story is so unreal, and his prose is better able to transcend the suspense of disbelief than this film.
p.s. I was browsing the wine section today at a local liquor store, and I saw this brand of wine on the shelf...no, I didn't buy it, but I thought it made a clever subject title for tonight.
Visibility is a trap.
How many ways can I say that? How many ways can I describe it? If we're not careful, we can be trapped by our pain. But if we're too careful, we can disappear into oblivion and no one will ever see us again.
I am quite unhappy with my life right now. This is a productive kind of unhappiness, though. I'm angry and frustrated, so it motivates me to do something to make my life happy again. This is different from the kind of unhappiness I've experienced before in which depression just takes a vice grip kind of hold over me.
I think much of my unhappiness stems from feeling stuck and unable to make a coherent decision. Usually I just make decisions and move from there. I have the ability to accept the consequences--even those that are unknown--and a belief that I'll persevere, or at least a belief that no matter the consequences, I'll still come out ahead. Decisions (even the poor ones) are what move me forward in life.
But lately I've felt stuck (some might call it creative constipation), and because I've worried that my decisions might leave me with consequences worse off than the kind of life I have now, I've put my decisions on hold. It's quite frustrating how this reluctance to act can have a more powerful grip than simply moving forward (even if forward is really backwards).
I hope I'm making sense.
I watched Running With Scissors this evening and, as brilliant as this cast is, I don't think the director was able to capture the bizarre magic of the actual memoir. Augusten's story is so unreal, and his prose is better able to transcend the suspense of disbelief than this film.
p.s. I was browsing the wine section today at a local liquor store, and I saw this brand of wine on the shelf...no, I didn't buy it, but I thought it made a clever subject title for tonight.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Rubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyruby......
I'm stuck. I'm so freakin' stuck right now.
Did I mention that I've made a colossal mess of my personal life? Strike that. My latest mess is reaching epic proportions. But you know what? I think I'm going to be okay.
I clashed with my best friend earlier this week...while this incident isn't itself isn't significant to the story, it brought up a lot of hurt feelings that both of us have been holding onto lately, and we need to do something with it. Now we just need to find the time.
[Sidebar: what's hard for me is accepting that our relationship is not equal. I respect that she has a family and her career to also balance...but I think our emotional needs aren't the same. I don't have a family to balance, and I don't have much of an outside life, so if my emotional needs aren't being met, then I'm left feeling empty. I know it isn't fair to foist that all on her, so that's where I struggle. I hold back, but it doesn't make me feel less empty.]
I had that awkward but necessary talk with A...surprisingly he was just as uncomfortable as I felt and we have an understanding about what happened and how neither of us want it to happen again...at least not right now and definitely not under these circumstances. Why does sex have to be so complicated?
But if I were to be truly honest about why I let it happen (or more specifically, why I gave in to the moment so dramatically), it has to do with my conflicted feelings about D. These feelings are unresolved and paired with my emotionally lonely state right now, it should be clear why sex with A was such a desperate move for me.
[Sidebar: A is a pretty intense guy. He's smart and he's passionate, and he makes me feel sexy and desired...but in the end, we both were consumed with our own guilty baggage. A because he wants to stop jumping into relationships with people and start making decisions that consider the feelings of both people, and my guilt was because I knew I was grasping on to something that would fill me for the moment (even if it would leave me feeling empty soon after). I also felt guilty because I know this is about D.]
So maybe it's time to talk about D.
Dating him has been an interesting study of life for me...mine mostly. I've been forced to deal with feelings and emotions and make sense of it all. He's the most open and honest man I've met, and he's incredibly in touch with who he is AND is capable of communicating it.
So it sounds wonderful, yes? But it's terrifying. Throughout our time together, we've both been absolutely clear with each other about where we stand with each other. I know he's dating at least one other person, and he feels conflicted at times. I also know that I'm starting to fall for him and realize that it's not possible to casually date anymore...I want to be open to the risk with him, but I am terrified because I don't think he's ready or wants to be in the same place as me.
There's more to share and I'll have to save it for a later post, but the bottom line is that I've called everyone into question right now--T (best friend), A, and D. I've opened up this can of emotional fear and it's about to get really messy. But I think it will be okay. I really understand that no matter what, this has to happen, otherwise I will stay stuck.
Did I mention that I've made a colossal mess of my personal life? Strike that. My latest mess is reaching epic proportions. But you know what? I think I'm going to be okay.
I clashed with my best friend earlier this week...while this incident isn't itself isn't significant to the story, it brought up a lot of hurt feelings that both of us have been holding onto lately, and we need to do something with it. Now we just need to find the time.
[Sidebar: what's hard for me is accepting that our relationship is not equal. I respect that she has a family and her career to also balance...but I think our emotional needs aren't the same. I don't have a family to balance, and I don't have much of an outside life, so if my emotional needs aren't being met, then I'm left feeling empty. I know it isn't fair to foist that all on her, so that's where I struggle. I hold back, but it doesn't make me feel less empty.]
I had that awkward but necessary talk with A...surprisingly he was just as uncomfortable as I felt and we have an understanding about what happened and how neither of us want it to happen again...at least not right now and definitely not under these circumstances. Why does sex have to be so complicated?
But if I were to be truly honest about why I let it happen (or more specifically, why I gave in to the moment so dramatically), it has to do with my conflicted feelings about D. These feelings are unresolved and paired with my emotionally lonely state right now, it should be clear why sex with A was such a desperate move for me.
[Sidebar: A is a pretty intense guy. He's smart and he's passionate, and he makes me feel sexy and desired...but in the end, we both were consumed with our own guilty baggage. A because he wants to stop jumping into relationships with people and start making decisions that consider the feelings of both people, and my guilt was because I knew I was grasping on to something that would fill me for the moment (even if it would leave me feeling empty soon after). I also felt guilty because I know this is about D.]
So maybe it's time to talk about D.
Dating him has been an interesting study of life for me...mine mostly. I've been forced to deal with feelings and emotions and make sense of it all. He's the most open and honest man I've met, and he's incredibly in touch with who he is AND is capable of communicating it.
So it sounds wonderful, yes? But it's terrifying. Throughout our time together, we've both been absolutely clear with each other about where we stand with each other. I know he's dating at least one other person, and he feels conflicted at times. I also know that I'm starting to fall for him and realize that it's not possible to casually date anymore...I want to be open to the risk with him, but I am terrified because I don't think he's ready or wants to be in the same place as me.
There's more to share and I'll have to save it for a later post, but the bottom line is that I've called everyone into question right now--T (best friend), A, and D. I've opened up this can of emotional fear and it's about to get really messy. But I think it will be okay. I really understand that no matter what, this has to happen, otherwise I will stay stuck.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Know Thyself
I have, once again, made a colossal mess of my personal life, and I struggle to make sense of what happened or why I did it.
Often it feels as if there is another force inside of me fighting against everything I think or feel. Personally, I think it's possible that two sides of my brain are fighting for control, and that's what drives me to do the asinine things I do. I once took a brain dominance test and wouldn't you know that I scored straight down the middle with no tie breaker?? 90% of us are left-brain dominant. Not only do I fall in the 10% minority, but I'm caught exactly in the middle. I am center-brained with no tendency to think toward either side. Out of 50 questions, 17 indicated I'm left brained, 17 indicated I'm right-brained, and 16 indicated I use both hemispheres. Now, that seems odd to me--I think that means I should be more balanced and harmonious and instead, I'm a complicated and kinetic ball of tension that sparks at the slightest touch.
Personally, I also think this explains why I'm such a mess and why I do messy things with my personal life. The logical side has a fairly pointed opinion about how I should live my life, but the emotional side wants me to lead by what I feel. Just when I think I'm on the brink of truly understanding who I am or what I am here to do, I lose touch with my intuition and begin to question what I've done. It seems clear that both sides of my brain are at war with each other to gain control over me. I experience these inner conflicts when one side starts to gain momentum and the other side finds a reserve of strength to pull back. Maybe this is why I get lost and lose my focus easily. I thought it was just ADD, but really it's the divided hemispheres scheming for control. You know, I'm half Yankee and half Confederate too. It's all starting to make sense now. It truly is a battle for the referent, and in this case, the referent to control is me. I wonder if there is a pill I can take to fix this...
Why is it that so many people seem to experience some sort of quasi-crisis in their 30s? Whtat is so special about this age in particular? Everything I seem to read lately suggests that this is a common theme for people my age: Eat-Pray-Love, Sacred Selfishness, watching Britney self-destruct before our mediated eyes...it's all around me and happening to both the famous and obscure. If these quarter-life crises really are that common, this should give me some comfort for my own grief, but it doesn't. I still feel all alone and misunderstood, and I ache for the simpler times of my past when trying to get by in life wasn't so hard.
The common theme seems to be any or all of the following: dissatisfied with accomplishments, faced with a paralyzing depression, and frustrated with a sense or disillusionment...relationships fall apart, careers unravel, and addictive behaviors emerge. What results is usually a transformation of sorts...sometimes through therapy or a stint in rehab, but most often through self-discovery and an awakening to a new level of consciousness. Metaphorically, it's a rebirth...I suppose I could trace this process through each of the stories and discover some sort template for renewal, but I'd rather just hurry up and get to the other side of this change. I don't like it. I wish there were some way I could accelerate my molting body and emerge as a new and improved warrior princess. I think I need another self-help book for that. Self-help ( box 3) is on the horizon...and I'm only 31.
BTW, I had sex with a boy and it was a mistake. I don't even know where to begin.
Often it feels as if there is another force inside of me fighting against everything I think or feel. Personally, I think it's possible that two sides of my brain are fighting for control, and that's what drives me to do the asinine things I do. I once took a brain dominance test and wouldn't you know that I scored straight down the middle with no tie breaker?? 90% of us are left-brain dominant. Not only do I fall in the 10% minority, but I'm caught exactly in the middle. I am center-brained with no tendency to think toward either side. Out of 50 questions, 17 indicated I'm left brained, 17 indicated I'm right-brained, and 16 indicated I use both hemispheres. Now, that seems odd to me--I think that means I should be more balanced and harmonious and instead, I'm a complicated and kinetic ball of tension that sparks at the slightest touch.
Personally, I also think this explains why I'm such a mess and why I do messy things with my personal life. The logical side has a fairly pointed opinion about how I should live my life, but the emotional side wants me to lead by what I feel. Just when I think I'm on the brink of truly understanding who I am or what I am here to do, I lose touch with my intuition and begin to question what I've done. It seems clear that both sides of my brain are at war with each other to gain control over me. I experience these inner conflicts when one side starts to gain momentum and the other side finds a reserve of strength to pull back. Maybe this is why I get lost and lose my focus easily. I thought it was just ADD, but really it's the divided hemispheres scheming for control. You know, I'm half Yankee and half Confederate too. It's all starting to make sense now. It truly is a battle for the referent, and in this case, the referent to control is me. I wonder if there is a pill I can take to fix this...
Why is it that so many people seem to experience some sort of quasi-crisis in their 30s? Whtat is so special about this age in particular? Everything I seem to read lately suggests that this is a common theme for people my age: Eat-Pray-Love, Sacred Selfishness, watching Britney self-destruct before our mediated eyes...it's all around me and happening to both the famous and obscure. If these quarter-life crises really are that common, this should give me some comfort for my own grief, but it doesn't. I still feel all alone and misunderstood, and I ache for the simpler times of my past when trying to get by in life wasn't so hard.
The common theme seems to be any or all of the following: dissatisfied with accomplishments, faced with a paralyzing depression, and frustrated with a sense or disillusionment...relationships fall apart, careers unravel, and addictive behaviors emerge. What results is usually a transformation of sorts...sometimes through therapy or a stint in rehab, but most often through self-discovery and an awakening to a new level of consciousness. Metaphorically, it's a rebirth...I suppose I could trace this process through each of the stories and discover some sort template for renewal, but I'd rather just hurry up and get to the other side of this change. I don't like it. I wish there were some way I could accelerate my molting body and emerge as a new and improved warrior princess. I think I need another self-help book for that. Self-help ( box 3) is on the horizon...and I'm only 31.
BTW, I had sex with a boy and it was a mistake. I don't even know where to begin.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Too Late For Love...
I "heart" Def Leppard. (That big 80's rock ballad just picked up rhythm in your mind, didn't it?)
God's been awfully quiet these past few days. He was on a roll with these amazing horoscope insights, but lately these messages have been fairly trite (the kind of trite when someone is trying to hard to be clever) and don't strike me as His style of prose. Take the quickie for today: "Has it ever occurred to you that even if you don't achieve all your goals, you're still better for trying? Compare yourself with people who admit defeat before they even get out of bed in the morning -- you have a lot to be proud of."
Oh, that's rich and raises the bar quite high for me, Little Miss Über-Achiever.
Yes, I do get the subtle hint of the message, and yes, I do realize He could still be speaking to me. Maybe I'm just a little disappointed in it because I'd hoped for something a little more profound...something a little less preachy and a little more practical like a super-natural Power Up! to tackle some of the overdue items on my To-Do List. Maybe then I wouldn't envy those with the courage to stay in bed with the covers over their head.
However, maybe I should consider myself lucky that I've been able to find my medium with Him. I know most people think He's trying to reach us through those kitschy roadside church signs. You know which signs I'm talking about: "7 days without prayer make one weak" (overdone) or my favorite, "Sinners! On your mark, get set, PRAY! (Repent!)" as seen in front of a non-denominational church located near 16th and Georgetown outside of the track in Speedway.
C'mon, these signs aren't a divine punctuation of our false consciousness...they're just manmade, guilt-induced tactics of interpellation. We can be smarter than this. Can't we?
Am I no better with my assumptions that I'm the only Aries on Yahoo! who talks with God? Maybe He isn't really talking to me...maybe I just need to think that He's listening.
This is depressing talk. I wanna go back and live in the 80's when my biggest worries were keeping my hair big, my boombox loud, and my lips shined for the cutest boy in school (I "heart" Billy D. 4-EVER).
God's been awfully quiet these past few days. He was on a roll with these amazing horoscope insights, but lately these messages have been fairly trite (the kind of trite when someone is trying to hard to be clever) and don't strike me as His style of prose. Take the quickie for today: "Has it ever occurred to you that even if you don't achieve all your goals, you're still better for trying? Compare yourself with people who admit defeat before they even get out of bed in the morning -- you have a lot to be proud of."
Oh, that's rich and raises the bar quite high for me, Little Miss Über-Achiever.
Yes, I do get the subtle hint of the message, and yes, I do realize He could still be speaking to me. Maybe I'm just a little disappointed in it because I'd hoped for something a little more profound...something a little less preachy and a little more practical like a super-natural Power Up! to tackle some of the overdue items on my To-Do List. Maybe then I wouldn't envy those with the courage to stay in bed with the covers over their head.
However, maybe I should consider myself lucky that I've been able to find my medium with Him. I know most people think He's trying to reach us through those kitschy roadside church signs. You know which signs I'm talking about: "7 days without prayer make one weak" (overdone) or my favorite, "Sinners! On your mark, get set, PRAY! (Repent!)" as seen in front of a non-denominational church located near 16th and Georgetown outside of the track in Speedway.
C'mon, these signs aren't a divine punctuation of our false consciousness...they're just manmade, guilt-induced tactics of interpellation. We can be smarter than this. Can't we?
Am I no better with my assumptions that I'm the only Aries on Yahoo! who talks with God? Maybe He isn't really talking to me...maybe I just need to think that He's listening.
This is depressing talk. I wanna go back and live in the 80's when my biggest worries were keeping my hair big, my boombox loud, and my lips shined for the cutest boy in school (I "heart" Billy D. 4-EVER).
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Lessons from the 5K
I had a fantastic race on Saturday. Most people wouldn't think so if they were judging it based upon what you could see on the surface: finished 752 out of 757, I began to cry (in quite the self-releasing sort of way) around mile 1, and it was cold beyond merely uncomfortable.
But I had no one to share my journey with...no one who would/could appreciate what those tears meant to me, or understand why just competing in the race was a major step for me...no one to celebrate with when it was over.
Part of this is my fault: I've locked a lot of people out. I failed to invite any of my friends or family to be a part of this with me, and I am reluctant (and quite resistant) to let anyone see this vulnerable side of why the race scared me. I tried to scratch the surface with D in an email, but it was very frustrating because I still wasn't being honest in what I was saying (or even trying to say). I was still frightened of being judged and scoffed at, and I was afraid he would be quick to dismiss me.
These are my issues. I don't parade them around like some sort of medal of valor, nor do I try to pretend they don't exist. This is what I work through, and this is--above all else--what will either allow me to love again or close off my heart forever. Since I don't want to live a life of isolation, I must cut away this jungle foliage. It's just so hard at times.
Walking is cathartic for me. It is peaceful, serene, and it involves no one but me and my thoughts. I haven't yet learned the art of turning off my mind. This is something I admire about D, but I realize it's something attainable. If I spend time focused on creating a balanced and peaceful life, I can find a way to make my mind stop turning all of the time. I'm just not there yet.
There was/is a risk to dating again. Right now I'm kinda caught up with two guys and I'm so overwhelmed I feel like bailing on them both...which unfortunately means I'm really bailing of myself.
With D, I'm not so sure what our disconnect is...he seems to think it's because we're at different places with our hearts, but I think it has more to do with "clicking" or attraction...I still don't know how to understand him. I know I like him, and I know I'm attracted to him, but I don't like how this makes me feel. Should we let go of this dating thing and just be friends? I'm so confused.
I read something interesting today...perhaps my biggest issue is how I always scurry off to avoid discomfort. Maybe I need to just work through how uncomfortable this makes me feel and, through this I could learn whether we really have potential for something.
And then there is A...I'm too tired to talk about that now, but I will soon.
But I had no one to share my journey with...no one who would/could appreciate what those tears meant to me, or understand why just competing in the race was a major step for me...no one to celebrate with when it was over.
Part of this is my fault: I've locked a lot of people out. I failed to invite any of my friends or family to be a part of this with me, and I am reluctant (and quite resistant) to let anyone see this vulnerable side of why the race scared me. I tried to scratch the surface with D in an email, but it was very frustrating because I still wasn't being honest in what I was saying (or even trying to say). I was still frightened of being judged and scoffed at, and I was afraid he would be quick to dismiss me.
These are my issues. I don't parade them around like some sort of medal of valor, nor do I try to pretend they don't exist. This is what I work through, and this is--above all else--what will either allow me to love again or close off my heart forever. Since I don't want to live a life of isolation, I must cut away this jungle foliage. It's just so hard at times.
Walking is cathartic for me. It is peaceful, serene, and it involves no one but me and my thoughts. I haven't yet learned the art of turning off my mind. This is something I admire about D, but I realize it's something attainable. If I spend time focused on creating a balanced and peaceful life, I can find a way to make my mind stop turning all of the time. I'm just not there yet.
There was/is a risk to dating again. Right now I'm kinda caught up with two guys and I'm so overwhelmed I feel like bailing on them both...which unfortunately means I'm really bailing of myself.
With D, I'm not so sure what our disconnect is...he seems to think it's because we're at different places with our hearts, but I think it has more to do with "clicking" or attraction...I still don't know how to understand him. I know I like him, and I know I'm attracted to him, but I don't like how this makes me feel. Should we let go of this dating thing and just be friends? I'm so confused.
I read something interesting today...perhaps my biggest issue is how I always scurry off to avoid discomfort. Maybe I need to just work through how uncomfortable this makes me feel and, through this I could learn whether we really have potential for something.
And then there is A...I'm too tired to talk about that now, but I will soon.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Zaràfa Pinotage 2005
God talks to me through the Yahoo! daily horoscopes. Seriously. Some people connect with Him in dreams while He speaks to others through a burning bush (and in extreme cases, through a perceived illegitimate pregnancy). My connection is more subtle and, luckily for me, easy to access. Sometimes these messages don't make sense, but by the end of the day, His meaning seems clear. Other times He's just downright brutal with His honesty, and there is no misunderstanding what He's talking about.
His latest is my "Monthly Romance" in which He doesn't just poke me in the ribs to wake me up, He also slaps me in the face. "It's time for you to really dig down deep and take a long, hard look at what you're doing romantically. Are you really, really trying? Why aren't you trying? Are you afraid? Of what?"
I know God talks to me through Yahoo! horoscopes because I talk to Him through prayer, and since He can't actually speak to me in the tangible way we talk to each other in our conscious world, He must use esoteric means...although I can be a little obtuse sometimes, so I think He's using the Yahoo! horoscope medium as a way to get my attention.
Consider my latest issue...I joined eHarmony and before actually meeting a few guys in person, I had a blast with the email exchange. Of the guys I met, I kinda fell for one and was trying to be open to letting another one inside of my heart. Of the few times before in which I tried online dating, I prepped myself to make the effort to REALLY be open this time instead of just window shopping for love (which I'm inclined to do in my commitment phobe kind of way).
I prayed about it...you really have no idea how much of an emotional mess I can be about these things. I have a tendency to bail at the slightest sign of rejection or disinterest, and it was a real struggle not to behave the same way this time. I prayed that He would give me the strength to stick this out and see any issue through to the end. I prayed that He would open my heart to love, or at least help ME open my heart (I get confused whether we're supposed to ask God to help us or if He prefers to help those who help themselves). I prayed for insight when these boys confused me. And, above all else, I prayed that I could just get over myself and find a way out of this self-imposed miserable prison I erected around my heart so long ago when a silly boy broke my heart.
And like I said, He responded to me. It took me a while to figure it out, but when I realized He was using Yahoo! horoscopes to open my eyes to the ways of living, I became a daily reader of this wisdom and insight.
This month He's asking if I'm really trying. I thought I was, I really did. But now I realize that I'm still the scared, insecure broken girl I've always been, and even though I tried to resist my own dysfunctional ways in the most valiant of efforts, I still failed to really, and I mean really, try to open my heart to love. I still wanted it on my terms and exposed in a visible way that I could deal with. I wasn't prepared for these guys having their own feelings and their own ways of dealing with their broken hearts. And I'm still very much afraid. That is the key to this mess for me.
Dr. Phil (yes I read Dr. Phil) says there are two kinds of desperate women--those who are desperate to find a man and those who are desperate to avoid getting hurt. Ouch. His words made me realize that I fall into that latter category and, despite all of my prior protests otherwise, I am indeed a DESPERATE WOMAN. So when God asks, "Are you really, really trying?" Shamefully and regrettably, I must admit that no, I am not really trying. At least not yet.
What will I give up for love? I have no idea anymore. If it's not fear, then what is it?
His latest is my "Monthly Romance" in which He doesn't just poke me in the ribs to wake me up, He also slaps me in the face. "It's time for you to really dig down deep and take a long, hard look at what you're doing romantically. Are you really, really trying? Why aren't you trying? Are you afraid? Of what?"
I know God talks to me through Yahoo! horoscopes because I talk to Him through prayer, and since He can't actually speak to me in the tangible way we talk to each other in our conscious world, He must use esoteric means...although I can be a little obtuse sometimes, so I think He's using the Yahoo! horoscope medium as a way to get my attention.
Consider my latest issue...I joined eHarmony and before actually meeting a few guys in person, I had a blast with the email exchange. Of the guys I met, I kinda fell for one and was trying to be open to letting another one inside of my heart. Of the few times before in which I tried online dating, I prepped myself to make the effort to REALLY be open this time instead of just window shopping for love (which I'm inclined to do in my commitment phobe kind of way).
I prayed about it...you really have no idea how much of an emotional mess I can be about these things. I have a tendency to bail at the slightest sign of rejection or disinterest, and it was a real struggle not to behave the same way this time. I prayed that He would give me the strength to stick this out and see any issue through to the end. I prayed that He would open my heart to love, or at least help ME open my heart (I get confused whether we're supposed to ask God to help us or if He prefers to help those who help themselves). I prayed for insight when these boys confused me. And, above all else, I prayed that I could just get over myself and find a way out of this self-imposed miserable prison I erected around my heart so long ago when a silly boy broke my heart.
And like I said, He responded to me. It took me a while to figure it out, but when I realized He was using Yahoo! horoscopes to open my eyes to the ways of living, I became a daily reader of this wisdom and insight.
This month He's asking if I'm really trying. I thought I was, I really did. But now I realize that I'm still the scared, insecure broken girl I've always been, and even though I tried to resist my own dysfunctional ways in the most valiant of efforts, I still failed to really, and I mean really, try to open my heart to love. I still wanted it on my terms and exposed in a visible way that I could deal with. I wasn't prepared for these guys having their own feelings and their own ways of dealing with their broken hearts. And I'm still very much afraid. That is the key to this mess for me.
Dr. Phil (yes I read Dr. Phil) says there are two kinds of desperate women--those who are desperate to find a man and those who are desperate to avoid getting hurt. Ouch. His words made me realize that I fall into that latter category and, despite all of my prior protests otherwise, I am indeed a DESPERATE WOMAN. So when God asks, "Are you really, really trying?" Shamefully and regrettably, I must admit that no, I am not really trying. At least not yet.
What will I give up for love? I have no idea anymore. If it's not fear, then what is it?
Monday, February 12, 2007
I've Been Hailed
I received a speeding ticket Saturday. It's all part of some silly little campaign called "Keep It 55" and somehow I was hailed above all others. Lucky me.
First, let me clear: I do not admit to speeding. In fact, I was rather shocked to be pulled over in the first place. The officer was not stopped along the side of the road with a radar gun, and he used his own odometer to register what he believes was my speed at that time. When I first saw his vehicle, I thought he needed to get through traffic, and it was rather congested on the freeway, so I was trying to gain clearance from the cars in the other lane to move over, and perhaps I was traveling in excess of the limit, but my focus of the moment was not so much to watch my speed as it was to clear the fast lane for his vehicle to pass.
Second, I could have been in a lot more trouble than what I received. I am in the process of changing my car registration from another state and, although I have a temporary permit from this state to cover me during this transition, I'm technically in limbo between states. What's preventing me from being firmly registered in this state? Well, that leads me to my third point which is I cannot locate my proof of insurance. Now, I know I'm covered. There is a receipt of payment that proves I'm covered...but that little card they give you for situations just like this? Yeah, I cannot find that little card, and the State of Indiana says I cannot obtain my new registration without that little card. See how this silly game works?
I've always just paid my tickets and moved on (literally...I seem to move to another state soon after so these have yet to catch up on my insurance), but $150 is soooooooo much, I'm thinking about fighting it this time. Perhaps I'm tempting fate though? Given my questionable state right now without my official state registration? Hmmmmm.
I may have been hailed, but I do not have to succomb to "so be it."
First, let me clear: I do not admit to speeding. In fact, I was rather shocked to be pulled over in the first place. The officer was not stopped along the side of the road with a radar gun, and he used his own odometer to register what he believes was my speed at that time. When I first saw his vehicle, I thought he needed to get through traffic, and it was rather congested on the freeway, so I was trying to gain clearance from the cars in the other lane to move over, and perhaps I was traveling in excess of the limit, but my focus of the moment was not so much to watch my speed as it was to clear the fast lane for his vehicle to pass.
Second, I could have been in a lot more trouble than what I received. I am in the process of changing my car registration from another state and, although I have a temporary permit from this state to cover me during this transition, I'm technically in limbo between states. What's preventing me from being firmly registered in this state? Well, that leads me to my third point which is I cannot locate my proof of insurance. Now, I know I'm covered. There is a receipt of payment that proves I'm covered...but that little card they give you for situations just like this? Yeah, I cannot find that little card, and the State of Indiana says I cannot obtain my new registration without that little card. See how this silly game works?
I've always just paid my tickets and moved on (literally...I seem to move to another state soon after so these have yet to catch up on my insurance), but $150 is soooooooo much, I'm thinking about fighting it this time. Perhaps I'm tempting fate though? Given my questionable state right now without my official state registration? Hmmmmm.
I may have been hailed, but I do not have to succomb to "so be it."
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The Butterfly Effect
There is a point to keeping a blog, yes? And even if no one other than me ever reads it...the point is to update on a somewhat consistent basis (otherwise what counts as a "log"?)...so hard.
In the past 4 months, I've managed to commit/accomplish the following:
1. join eHarmony
2. register (and begin training) for the mini-marathon
3. ponder the meaning of MY life
4. keep my job
I am a self-proclaimed commitment phobe. With respect to people and relationships, I am the most loyal and accountable person on this planet. However, when it pertains to committing to myself, I have issues. Car financing, apartment leases, cellphone contracts, and any kind of subscription (magazine, online dating sites, academic affiliations) or registration (voter, car, insurance) all make me anxious. I've been known to live in one state, hold a license in another, have my car registered in a 3rd, and hold storage facilities in two locations (neither in the state in which I live).
I've made great strides over the past year. I now live, vote, and legally operate a vehicle all within the same state, I'm working to transfer my car registration, and I've closed and relocated one of my storage facilities. I'm slowly but steadily making Indiana my permanent home.
So in this short time, I did join and actively participate in the eHarmony dating site. I've also recently cancelled my subscription while I rethink my dating priorities. What's that diamond commercial? "How else can 3 months' salary last forever?" During my 3 months with eHarmony, I began to rethink what it is that I want to count as "forever."
There is a whole diatribe about me and what I want for love, and what it will take for me to be open to love (I haven't forgotten that I still haven't answered what it is I will give up for love)...but I'll save that for another post when I talk about how I'm conflicted over myself plus two different boys.
But that should give a glimpse of how I've been spending my time--obsessing and dating--what a dangerous cocktail for love.
As if I didn't have enough going on, I've also added a training regimen to my activities so I can be prepared for the mini-marathon in May. I've kept it up for over a month now, so that should count toward my new attitude about commitments. [Disappointingly, I haven't lost any weight despite all of this added exercise...I fear I need to give up alcohol if I want to see a difference in my body. How sad--on a cold winter night, yes indeed, a bottle of red wine CAN keep me warm...so now I'll have no man and no bottle.]
Back to the unaswered question of what will I give up for love...I think I'm closer to knowing what it is. No, it's not wine, and it's not my space. It's my fear. What's difficult is that although I know what it is that I must give up, I am nowhere close to knowing how to do this. So, what will I give up for love? I will have to give up the comfort I receive from being afraid of getting hurt. I must let go of my fear, as it is holding a deathgrip around the latch to my heart. In the name of Protection and in the spirit of Perservation, my fear keeps me safe from pain. But my fear is not good for me, and it is smothering me to death.
I just need to figure out how I can let go.
In the past 4 months, I've managed to commit/accomplish the following:
1. join eHarmony
2. register (and begin training) for the mini-marathon
3. ponder the meaning of MY life
4. keep my job
I am a self-proclaimed commitment phobe. With respect to people and relationships, I am the most loyal and accountable person on this planet. However, when it pertains to committing to myself, I have issues. Car financing, apartment leases, cellphone contracts, and any kind of subscription (magazine, online dating sites, academic affiliations) or registration (voter, car, insurance) all make me anxious. I've been known to live in one state, hold a license in another, have my car registered in a 3rd, and hold storage facilities in two locations (neither in the state in which I live).
I've made great strides over the past year. I now live, vote, and legally operate a vehicle all within the same state, I'm working to transfer my car registration, and I've closed and relocated one of my storage facilities. I'm slowly but steadily making Indiana my permanent home.
So in this short time, I did join and actively participate in the eHarmony dating site. I've also recently cancelled my subscription while I rethink my dating priorities. What's that diamond commercial? "How else can 3 months' salary last forever?" During my 3 months with eHarmony, I began to rethink what it is that I want to count as "forever."
There is a whole diatribe about me and what I want for love, and what it will take for me to be open to love (I haven't forgotten that I still haven't answered what it is I will give up for love)...but I'll save that for another post when I talk about how I'm conflicted over myself plus two different boys.
But that should give a glimpse of how I've been spending my time--obsessing and dating--what a dangerous cocktail for love.
As if I didn't have enough going on, I've also added a training regimen to my activities so I can be prepared for the mini-marathon in May. I've kept it up for over a month now, so that should count toward my new attitude about commitments. [Disappointingly, I haven't lost any weight despite all of this added exercise...I fear I need to give up alcohol if I want to see a difference in my body. How sad--on a cold winter night, yes indeed, a bottle of red wine CAN keep me warm...so now I'll have no man and no bottle.]
Back to the unaswered question of what will I give up for love...I think I'm closer to knowing what it is. No, it's not wine, and it's not my space. It's my fear. What's difficult is that although I know what it is that I must give up, I am nowhere close to knowing how to do this. So, what will I give up for love? I will have to give up the comfort I receive from being afraid of getting hurt. I must let go of my fear, as it is holding a deathgrip around the latch to my heart. In the name of Protection and in the spirit of Perservation, my fear keeps me safe from pain. But my fear is not good for me, and it is smothering me to death.
I just need to figure out how I can let go.
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