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I'm stuck. I'm so freakin' stuck right now.

Did I mention that I've made a colossal mess of my personal life? Strike that. My latest mess is reaching epic proportions. But you know what? I think I'm going to be okay.

I clashed with my best friend earlier this week...while this incident isn't itself isn't significant to the story, it brought up a lot of hurt feelings that both of us have been holding onto lately, and we need to do something with it. Now we just need to find the time.

[Sidebar: what's hard for me is accepting that our relationship is not equal. I respect that she has a family and her career to also balance...but I think our emotional needs aren't the same. I don't have a family to balance, and I don't have much of an outside life, so if my emotional needs aren't being met, then I'm left feeling empty. I know it isn't fair to foist that all on her, so that's where I struggle. I hold back, but it doesn't make me feel less empty.]

I had that awkward but necessary talk with A...surprisingly he was just as uncomfortable as I felt and we have an understanding about what happened and how neither of us want it to happen again...at least not right now and definitely not under these circumstances. Why does sex have to be so complicated?

But if I were to be truly honest about why I let it happen (or more specifically, why I gave in to the moment so dramatically), it has to do with my conflicted feelings about D. These feelings are unresolved and paired with my emotionally lonely state right now, it should be clear why sex with A was such a desperate move for me.

[Sidebar: A is a pretty intense guy. He's smart and he's passionate, and he makes me feel sexy and desired...but in the end, we both were consumed with our own guilty baggage. A because he wants to stop jumping into relationships with people and start making decisions that consider the feelings of both people, and my guilt was because I knew I was grasping on to something that would fill me for the moment (even if it would leave me feeling empty soon after). I also felt guilty because I know this is about D.]

So maybe it's time to talk about D.

Dating him has been an interesting study of life for me...mine mostly. I've been forced to deal with feelings and emotions and make sense of it all. He's the most open and honest man I've met, and he's incredibly in touch with who he is AND is capable of communicating it.

So it sounds wonderful, yes? But it's terrifying. Throughout our time together, we've both been absolutely clear with each other about where we stand with each other. I know he's dating at least one other person, and he feels conflicted at times. I also know that I'm starting to fall for him and realize that it's not possible to casually date anymore...I want to be open to the risk with him, but I am terrified because I don't think he's ready or wants to be in the same place as me.

There's more to share and I'll have to save it for a later post, but the bottom line is that I've called everyone into question right now--T (best friend), A, and D. I've opened up this can of emotional fear and it's about to get really messy. But I think it will be okay. I really understand that no matter what, this has to happen, otherwise I will stay stuck.