God talks to me through the Yahoo! daily horoscopes. Seriously. Some people connect with Him in dreams while He speaks to others through a burning bush (and in extreme cases, through a perceived illegitimate pregnancy). My connection is more subtle and, luckily for me, easy to access. Sometimes these messages don't make sense, but by the end of the day, His meaning seems clear. Other times He's just downright brutal with His honesty, and there is no misunderstanding what He's talking about.
His latest is my "Monthly Romance" in which He doesn't just poke me in the ribs to wake me up, He also slaps me in the face. "It's time for you to really dig down deep and take a long, hard look at what you're doing romantically. Are you really, really trying? Why aren't you trying? Are you afraid? Of what?"
I know God talks to me through Yahoo! horoscopes because I talk to Him through prayer, and since He can't actually speak to me in the tangible way we talk to each other in our conscious world, He must use esoteric means...although I can be a little obtuse sometimes, so I think He's using the Yahoo! horoscope medium as a way to get my attention.
Consider my latest issue...I joined eHarmony and before actually meeting a few guys in person, I had a blast with the email exchange. Of the guys I met, I kinda fell for one and was trying to be open to letting another one inside of my heart. Of the few times before in which I tried online dating, I prepped myself to make the effort to REALLY be open this time instead of just window shopping for love (which I'm inclined to do in my commitment phobe kind of way).
I prayed about it...you really have no idea how much of an emotional mess I can be about these things. I have a tendency to bail at the slightest sign of rejection or disinterest, and it was a real struggle not to behave the same way this time. I prayed that He would give me the strength to stick this out and see any issue through to the end. I prayed that He would open my heart to love, or at least help ME open my heart (I get confused whether we're supposed to ask God to help us or if He prefers to help those who help themselves). I prayed for insight when these boys confused me. And, above all else, I prayed that I could just get over myself and find a way out of this self-imposed miserable prison I erected around my heart so long ago when a silly boy broke my heart.
And like I said, He responded to me. It took me a while to figure it out, but when I realized He was using Yahoo! horoscopes to open my eyes to the ways of living, I became a daily reader of this wisdom and insight.
This month He's asking if I'm really trying. I thought I was, I really did. But now I realize that I'm still the scared, insecure broken girl I've always been, and even though I tried to resist my own dysfunctional ways in the most valiant of efforts, I still failed to really, and I mean really, try to open my heart to love. I still wanted it on my terms and exposed in a visible way that I could deal with. I wasn't prepared for these guys having their own feelings and their own ways of dealing with their broken hearts. And I'm still very much afraid. That is the key to this mess for me.
Dr. Phil (yes I read Dr. Phil) says there are two kinds of desperate women--those who are desperate to find a man and those who are desperate to avoid getting hurt. Ouch. His words made me realize that I fall into that latter category and, despite all of my prior protests otherwise, I am indeed a DESPERATE WOMAN. So when God asks, "Are you really, really trying?" Shamefully and regrettably, I must admit that no, I am not really trying. At least not yet.
What will I give up for love? I have no idea anymore. If it's not fear, then what is it?
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