Screw Kappa Napa

I've been thinking a lot about emotions and what they mean. Things happen to us that leave a mark in time. These marks are our wounds, and we carry our wounds around with us until they kill us.

Visibility is a trap.

How many ways can I say that? How many ways can I describe it? If we're not careful, we can be trapped by our pain. But if we're too careful, we can disappear into oblivion and no one will ever see us again.

I am quite unhappy with my life right now. This is a productive kind of unhappiness, though. I'm angry and frustrated, so it motivates me to do something to make my life happy again. This is different from the kind of unhappiness I've experienced before in which depression just takes a vice grip kind of hold over me.

I think much of my unhappiness stems from feeling stuck and unable to make a coherent decision. Usually I just make decisions and move from there. I have the ability to accept the consequences--even those that are unknown--and a belief that I'll persevere, or at least a belief that no matter the consequences, I'll still come out ahead. Decisions (even the poor ones) are what move me forward in life.

But lately I've felt stuck (some might call it creative constipation), and because I've worried that my decisions might leave me with consequences worse off than the kind of life I have now, I've put my decisions on hold. It's quite frustrating how this reluctance to act can have a more powerful grip than simply moving forward (even if forward is really backwards).

I hope I'm making sense.

I watched Running With Scissors this evening and, as brilliant as this cast is, I don't think the director was able to capture the bizarre magic of the actual memoir. Augusten's story is so unreal, and his prose is better able to transcend the suspense of disbelief than this film.


p.s. I was browsing the wine section today at a local liquor store, and I saw this brand of wine on the shelf...no, I didn't buy it, but I thought it made a clever subject title for tonight.