Lessons from the 5K

I had a fantastic race on Saturday. Most people wouldn't think so if they were judging it based upon what you could see on the surface: finished 752 out of 757, I began to cry (in quite the self-releasing sort of way) around mile 1, and it was cold beyond merely uncomfortable.

But I had no one to share my journey with...no one who would/could appreciate what those tears meant to me, or understand why just competing in the race was a major step for me...no one to celebrate with when it was over.

Part of this is my fault: I've locked a lot of people out. I failed to invite any of my friends or family to be a part of this with me, and I am reluctant (and quite resistant) to let anyone see this vulnerable side of why the race scared me. I tried to scratch the surface with D in an email, but it was very frustrating because I still wasn't being honest in what I was saying (or even trying to say). I was still frightened of being judged and scoffed at, and I was afraid he would be quick to dismiss me.

These are my issues. I don't parade them around like some sort of medal of valor, nor do I try to pretend they don't exist. This is what I work through, and this is--above all else--what will either allow me to love again or close off my heart forever. Since I don't want to live a life of isolation, I must cut away this jungle foliage. It's just so hard at times.

Walking is cathartic for me. It is peaceful, serene, and it involves no one but me and my thoughts. I haven't yet learned the art of turning off my mind. This is something I admire about D, but I realize it's something attainable. If I spend time focused on creating a balanced and peaceful life, I can find a way to make my mind stop turning all of the time. I'm just not there yet.

There was/is a risk to dating again. Right now I'm kinda caught up with two guys and I'm so overwhelmed I feel like bailing on them both...which unfortunately means I'm really bailing of myself.

With D, I'm not so sure what our disconnect is...he seems to think it's because we're at different places with our hearts, but I think it has more to do with "clicking" or attraction...I still don't know how to understand him. I know I like him, and I know I'm attracted to him, but I don't like how this makes me feel. Should we let go of this dating thing and just be friends? I'm so confused.

I read something interesting today...perhaps my biggest issue is how I always scurry off to avoid discomfort. Maybe I need to just work through how uncomfortable this makes me feel and, through this I could learn whether we really have potential for something.

And then there is A...I'm too tired to talk about that now, but I will soon.