The Butterfly Effect

There is a point to keeping a blog, yes? And even if no one other than me ever reads it...the point is to update on a somewhat consistent basis (otherwise what counts as a "log"?)...so hard.

In the past 4 months, I've managed to commit/accomplish the following:

1. join eHarmony
2. register (and begin training) for the mini-marathon
3. ponder the meaning of MY life
4. keep my job


I am a self-proclaimed commitment phobe. With respect to people and relationships, I am the most loyal and accountable person on this planet. However, when it pertains to committing to myself, I have issues. Car financing, apartment leases, cellphone contracts, and any kind of subscription (magazine, online dating sites, academic affiliations) or registration (voter, car, insurance) all make me anxious. I've been known to live in one state, hold a license in another, have my car registered in a 3rd, and hold storage facilities in two locations (neither in the state in which I live).

I've made great strides over the past year. I now live, vote, and legally operate a vehicle all within the same state, I'm working to transfer my car registration, and I've closed and relocated one of my storage facilities. I'm slowly but steadily making Indiana my permanent home.

So in this short time, I did join and actively participate in the eHarmony dating site. I've also recently cancelled my subscription while I rethink my dating priorities. What's that diamond commercial? "How else can 3 months' salary last forever?" During my 3 months with eHarmony, I began to rethink what it is that I want to count as "forever."

There is a whole diatribe about me and what I want for love, and what it will take for me to be open to love (I haven't forgotten that I still haven't answered what it is I will give up for love)...but I'll save that for another post when I talk about how I'm conflicted over myself plus two different boys.

But that should give a glimpse of how I've been spending my time--obsessing and dating--what a dangerous cocktail for love.

As if I didn't have enough going on, I've also added a training regimen to my activities so I can be prepared for the mini-marathon in May. I've kept it up for over a month now, so that should count toward my new attitude about commitments. [Disappointingly, I haven't lost any weight despite all of this added exercise...I fear I need to give up alcohol if I want to see a difference in my body. How sad--on a cold winter night, yes indeed, a bottle of red wine CAN keep me warm...so now I'll have no man and no bottle.]

Back to the unaswered question of what will I give up for love...I think I'm closer to knowing what it is. No, it's not wine, and it's not my space. It's my fear. What's difficult is that although I know what it is that I must give up, I am nowhere close to knowing how to do this. So, what will I give up for love? I will have to give up the comfort I receive from being afraid of getting hurt. I must let go of my fear, as it is holding a deathgrip around the latch to my heart. In the name of Protection and in the spirit of Perservation, my fear keeps me safe from pain. But my fear is not good for me, and it is smothering me to death.

I just need to figure out how I can let go.