Know Thyself

I have, once again, made a colossal mess of my personal life, and I struggle to make sense of what happened or why I did it.

Often it feels as if there is another force inside of me fighting against everything I think or feel. Personally, I think it's possible that two sides of my brain are fighting for control, and that's what drives me to do the asinine things I do. I once took a brain dominance test and wouldn't you know that I scored straight down the middle with no tie breaker?? 90% of us are left-brain dominant. Not only do I fall in the 10% minority, but I'm caught exactly in the middle. I am center-brained with no tendency to think toward either side. Out of 50 questions, 17 indicated I'm left brained, 17 indicated I'm right-brained, and 16 indicated I use both hemispheres. Now, that seems odd to me--I think that means I should be more balanced and harmonious and instead, I'm a complicated and kinetic ball of tension that sparks at the slightest touch.

Personally, I also think this explains why I'm such a mess and why I do messy things with my personal life. The logical side has a fairly pointed opinion about how I should live my life, but the emotional side wants me to lead by what I feel. Just when I think I'm on the brink of truly understanding who I am or what I am here to do, I lose touch with my intuition and begin to question what I've done. It seems clear that both sides of my brain are at war with each other to gain control over me. I experience these inner conflicts when one side starts to gain momentum and the other side finds a reserve of strength to pull back. Maybe this is why I get lost and lose my focus easily. I thought it was just ADD, but really it's the divided hemispheres scheming for control. You know, I'm half Yankee and half Confederate too. It's all starting to make sense now. It truly is a battle for the referent, and in this case, the referent to control is me. I wonder if there is a pill I can take to fix this...

Why is it that so many people seem to experience some sort of quasi-crisis in their 30s? Whtat is so special about this age in particular? Everything I seem to read lately suggests that this is a common theme for people my age: Eat-Pray-Love, Sacred Selfishness, watching Britney self-destruct before our mediated eyes...it's all around me and happening to both the famous and obscure. If these quarter-life crises really are that common, this should give me some comfort for my own grief, but it doesn't. I still feel all alone and misunderstood, and I ache for the simpler times of my past when trying to get by in life wasn't so hard.

The common theme seems to be any or all of the following: dissatisfied with accomplishments, faced with a paralyzing depression, and frustrated with a sense or disillusionment...relationships fall apart, careers unravel, and addictive behaviors emerge. What results is usually a transformation of sorts...sometimes through therapy or a stint in rehab, but most often through self-discovery and an awakening to a new level of consciousness. Metaphorically, it's a rebirth...I suppose I could trace this process through each of the stories and discover some sort template for renewal, but I'd rather just hurry up and get to the other side of this change. I don't like it. I wish there were some way I could accelerate my molting body and emerge as a new and improved warrior princess. I think I need another self-help book for that. Self-help ( box 3) is on the horizon...and I'm only 31.

BTW, I had sex with a boy and it was a mistake. I don't even know where to begin.