In tennis, love means zero...

Friendship with D is very difficult for me. I told him that the other day, but then I backpedaled how I tried to describe it to him. I didn't want him to think it's due to the emotional heaviness he's suffering through on his own right now. And that much is true. It's not because of him and his issues...but it is because of him and my issues.

[Sidebar: How many times have I been back to this sad and lonely place? Each time I talk myself into taking a risk and put an effort into letting go, I look down and get scared. So I cower back into my safe place, retreat into my shell, and rush through all discomfort I feel. How many times is this now?]

I'm still struggling to articulate why it's difficult, but I have a few examples to illustrate. I can recall one of the times he kissed me before he left my place. I remember that it felt good, but after I said goodbye and closed the door, I suddenly burst into tears. I was so confused because I didn't know why I was crying--nice date, good kiss--but I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad, but because I felt raw. So I tried to just take in the moment. I thought about how hard it was for me to accept the risk of someone new, but I also thought about Bryce. I didn't know why he popped into my mind, but the whole vulnerable feeling of the moment was apparent to me. My crying was sudden, surprising, and it ended abruptly. I dismissed the ordeal as a side effect of learning to open my heart again.

Being friends with D is also difficult because in spite of being honest with him about my feelings, I still could not let go of my fear (of rejection, a broken heart, ridicule). I offered friendship, but when he waffled on that, I closed up and took cover from the pain...basically, I ran away and tried to rush through the discomfort I felt. But when he reeled me back in with a plea to reconsider, my tough façade crumbled (again), and here I am living each moment in discomfort. Smart Girl postures with Carrie Bradshaw talk and a Cosmo Girl walk...but Lonely Girl is the real reflection in the mirror. Who's kidding who? I think it's all me.

Another example I can share happened at the concert. Standing there alone, I worried he wouldn't show up. Soon after he arrived, I thought I saw Bryce...which, of course, conjured up more memories than I care to admit. It was precisely the kind of music and venue I would have attended with Bryce years ago. I found myself absorbed by the sound and really feeling the energy of the music embrace me, and it left me feeling raw and passionate yet restless. Old memories of concerts past flooded my mind--memories I'd long since forgotten--and lost feelings of love and being loved surfaced at this moment. And yet I was at this concert with D, but as a friend.

Things with Bryce started as a simple friendship. I wasn't even attracted to him when I met him. D talked about timing the other night, and I couldn't agree more...the way in which I fell in love with Bryce had everything to do with the appropriate timing for us both. It just didn't last, as I grew up in a way different from him and we no longer shared the same idea for how to live a full life with each other.

I'm still left trying to understand why friendship with D is still difficult. I've accepted our boundaries and individual limitations. I recognize his heart lies with someone else. To me, all of this is visible and there are no games. I suspect it's still difficult, however, because of the last of the unfinished Bryce business I have yet to resolve. I thought it was long gone, but certain forgotten bits are still trying to work their way out of my body, I think.

Love Thirty.