"Nothing to Lose" by Mat Kearney

I had to make a visit to a prospective supplier this week. Since they're located only a few hours from the plant, I drove for this trip. Once I got outside of the city, it wasn't a bad drive--a straight shot up to the northern part of the state along a state highway. Good, easy drives always lead to a clearing of my mind and either new project ideas or at least a some sort of mental aerobics that gives my mind a workout.

I have a new CD. It's a copy of the latest from Mat Kearney. I saw his concert a few weeks ago (with Rocco Deluca, my new crush), and I love, LOVE this CD. Track 10 (All I Need) is my new obsession. I played this CD over and over while I drove and it led to all sorts of thoughts about school, my job, and (of course) D. I'm ready to make some decisions.

[Sidebar: Mat Kearney quotes a friend and says that driving through the Midwest is friendly and lonely. As I think this through, I agree that the roads *are* lonely. I've made the Detroit to Indy drive for years, plus the Indy to Cincy, Indy to Nashville, and Indy out west...but all of my trips, while lonely, do give me a sense of peace during the drive, so as I think about his statement, I agree, but as a native Hoosier, I take comfort in that (or at least I think so). When I lived in LA, I had an interesting conversation with a non-native client through the hotel. When he learned I was moving back home, he commented that he knew I wasn't Caly native. When I lived in Mississippi, I met someone there who had lived (and raised children) in Marion, IN for a short while. To an audience of southern women, she explained Hoosier Hospitality in relation to southern hospitality...in the south, there is a genuine friendliness, but it's borne out of etiquette and a deeply entrenched decorum while Hoosier Hospitality may not extend out of manners, but when the graciousness is extended, it's for real. How the hell do I get off on these tangents?]

One last diversion...while Rocco Deluca emotes a sexy ephemeral persona regardless of his music, Mat Kearney projects a boy next door sexiness only evident in his music. It's a mind fuck state...and boy, do I tend to fall for those. I like the boys not so easy on the eyes, but when they open the window to their soul, I fall head over heels.

But back to what I discovered today. Part of my thought exercise leads me to ask, am I heavy with hope and anticipation or light with apprehension and concern? It's not just a question for me...you could benefit from this too. I'm not sure how to answer this just yet. I think that some days I live my life heavy with apprehension and concern, so I need to figure out how I flip this around so the heaviness leaves my heart.

I've started working through the heavy decisions associated with finishing my degree. I think there are a few factors fueling this: a former academic friend resurfacing and trying to carve a space back into my life. I want to open my heart to this again, and with it my prior pain and disappointment of school comes back to stare me in the face. But more than that is the what, when and how associated with completion. I need to accept not only what I want, but make sure I carve out the space and time to devote to this. So of course I recognize that I'm very scared.

I believe (it's true, even if I'm alone with my thoughts) that Academia is The Black Widow of social science. Those who've been exposed to her would agree, I think. It's all just a game, but those who survive it are able to carve out a space for themselves as they move forward in life.

The problem for me is that I'm still stinging for the ass-kicking she gave me. This wasn't a standard push-me-to-my-limits kind of ass-kicking. This was a spirit sucking, ego smashing, confidence shattering ass-kicking. I invested the best parts of me into her, and when she kissed me, she sucked the life right out of me and left me to deal with the empty carcass that no longer even looked like me. Academia is the Bitch of all bitches. She is selfish, self-absorbed, vain, and always in need of fresh blood to infuse more life into her. And naïve me didn't see it coming.

Part of me is still a fighter, and I want to argue that this time I'm armed and dangerous and she won't be able to exploit me again. Sometimes our impact and the effect we have on life is fueled more by our assertion than our action.

But unlike past loves, I have not forgotten what Academia did to me. I know what she looks like, I know where she likes to hide, and I've gotten used to her pattern for haunting me. I'm very much aware that Academia is a femme fatale. Academia led me to disillusionment, and I crumbled as a result. This will not happen to me twice.

So part of me is scared.

What do I do?