Kiss the Cook

Once again D is heavy on my mind.

I've been feeling a lot of pressure at work lately due to increasing demands in the market plus changes happening within my team. All of this leaves me feeling emotionally raw so that when I come home from work and face an empty home and litte social life, I don't feel much is there to reinvigorate me. I recognize that my self-renewal must come from me...but I can't seem to find the appropriate outlet for this. The walking and training is a good energy outlet, but it's not enough. I'm wresting with my self-image demons and until these are conquered, I don't think exercise will help me let go of the pressures at work.

I think this is why I turn to wine. I haven't found anything that helps me temperarily release my stress quite as well as alcohol...but this is not without its side effects as well. Bloating, can't lose weight, headaches, and sometimes fatigue.

Giving up alcohol was perhaps a bit too much right now, but I think it's important that I keep perspective.

Anyway........D is on my mind because we had sex last week. Yes, I broke every single one of the rules I set with him. But I don't feel ashamed and I don't feel anxious. It's rather odd.

It was an odd night to begin with. The beatings from work left me drained, so I sought refuge through D, beer, and good food. During the course of the evening, I encountered a friend I haven't seen in years (he's the ex-husband of my college roommate and been avoiding all of us because of what he did to her), a colleague from work (one who had created a significant amount of my work pressure), and my boss's daughter (never met her before, just recognized her from the picture on his desk)...during which quite a lot of beer was consumed by everyone.

The state of my intoxication is why I spent the night with D, but I'm not sure I can say that is the reason I had sex with him. It's probably why I wasn't weighing the consequences, but I need to own that it's because of my loneliness and feelings for him that I didn't stop it from happening.

All of my no-touch rules were to protect my heart. Open communication (and the ability to articulate our thoughts and feelings) is one of the key strengths that we have together. I *know* his heart is not available, and I *know* where he stands with his ex...therefore I *know* he will break my heart if I give it to him. But then this also means I'm not taking the risk, and I'm no better off than before. And yet, I don't feel anxious about what happened because I don't pretend that it means something more than what it was--spontaneous drunk sex between two lonely people. It is sad, however, that it can't be more than that.

I wish he weren't on my mind so much.

In totally unrelated news, I've wagered a domestics contest with a coworker...I'll call him Brawny (like the papertowel man). Recently he's been putting a lot of home improvement efforts into his house, and he likes to boast his accomplishments with before and after pictures. He's also been a tremendous help for me in my new role, and through his support, we've bonded in an almost competitive way. When I need immediate help, I bribe him with beer. When I want to show my gratitude, I give him worms and beer or I bring him Starbucks. When I'm in a jam with my supplier, I wager that he's not able to bail me out which then ups the stakes of the issue. And most recently, we have a lunch bet on the line to see whose supplier will step up and out-perform the other.

Brawny sent me pictures of his kitchen remodeling project, and he mentioned his mother is coming to town to help him finish the interior painting. This led to my stories about my folks and their home improvement projects for me, and I started bragging about the shower curtain my mother made me. (Really, it's the most fabulous shower curtain ever and it really puts the finishing touch on how that bathroom looks.) Brawny said it couldn't compare to his recent bathroom remodel in which he retiled the floor and the tub area. So now it's on. We're going to compete against each other to see who created the best looking bathroom. We're compiling a list of judges now, but I'm not sure what the stakes are other than we're both overly proud of our domestic talents and neither wants to concede that the other could be better.

It's on.