Tomorrow is my birthday.
I find that my evening walks open the opportunity for my mind to clear and my thoughts and ideas will surface. During a walk last week, I started down memory lane with all of my birthdays from 21 to present and why somewhere around 24 I stopped wanting to celebrate this day with other people. After thinking through the different celebrations, I realized that when well-meaning friends try to take over the day, then it ends up making me feel worthless and, as a result, I feel like shrinking to make myself less visible on this supposed very self-aware day. I've also realized that despite the whole list of dysfunctional feelings that result from spending time with my family, my birthday is the one celebration I like to have with them. These well-meaning friends have turned my special day into a battleground, and that makes me loathe the day it comes around.
Tomorrow is my birthday and, for the first time in at least 5 years, I'm actually looking forward to celebrating this day with someone else. I do wonder if it's because it's a day that I've let sneak up on me, or if it's because I'm in a new place with myself and open to the goodness that life can give me. I also wonder if it's because I'm spending the evening with D.
The rational and realistic side of my brain reminds me that D is still in love with his ex and, more than that, not attracted to me. The emotional side remembers how much fun I have when I spend time with him. And even though I've put forth every single rational and realistic roadblock I can imagine, my heart is in this and, I fear, in for a beating. I don't know how to stop it.
All I know to do is daily, DAILY, remind myself where things stand with us and where his heart still lives. It's like daily affirmations for carnal living.
I tried to break it off and even break off the friendship, but he reached back for me and I couldn't resist. I still don't know if it's because I'm up for the adventure or if it's because I'm desperate for attention from anyone--even someone who isn't into me the way I am into him. This could also be the wine talking, but I don't want to foreclose this thought process by protocol. I need to recognize where my heart is in this and accept what I've chosen to follow.
I want to ensure that I do not delude myself into thinking he will change his heart, nor do I want to sit around waiting for him. True, this sounds reasonable and even smart. But am I already playing roulette with my heart? Or is pursuing a platonic friendship really the only way to re-learn how to just be his friend?
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