A Day in the Life of...

I'm not sure how I should organize my thoughts right now...I want to talk about my second race last week (and how the endorphin rush inspired new thoughts for Ultimate Running race activities), I *need* to talk about D, and I have workplace updates to sort through...I just don't know where to start.

Workplace News: major changes are taking place within my division of the company, and I'm going have a slew of new opportunities to consider. One of the biggest consequences of these changes means a split in location--some of us will remain in Indy and others will be relocated to Chantilly. Where is Chantilly? I thought it meant we'd be moving to the UK, but apparently Chantilly is a suburb of DC. I cannot explain how excited this news makes me feel. I really miss the urban life I had in Detroit, and I am going to tell my management they can redeploy me to this location if they'd like. I'm single, no house, no kids, and my family doesn't live here anymore, so I could be ready for this. Better yet, I'm on the team that gets to create the detail and structure to support the changes that have already been approved, so I'll have a little advance knowledge of how these changes could affect me. I really think this could be a good thing for me.

Mini-Marathon Training News: I participated in the 10K. I felt good, my endorphins kicked into overdrive, and although I know I need more intense training to be prepared for the race in May, I think I'm on track for the 15K. Completing these races do not make me feel satisfied or give me a sense of accomplishment, and no matter how I try to look at it, there is still this deep (emotional) ache that doesn't go away...but they do provide me the reassurance that I CAN do this, and I'm using each race as a litmus test for the limitations of my body. I've already accepted I will not complete these races as a runner, but I've decided that when the race series ends in May, I'm going to start another training program that will put me on track to run the race series next year. Learning how to run seems exciting to me, and I look forward to it. But first, I MUST drop some additional weight or else I could kill my knees because of the extra stress.

The good news is this race didn't dredge up any past emotional baggage related to my sense of self and whether or not I'm a "good enough" woman. I have a lot of body shame, and that seeped through during the last race. But this race was good...I kept an even pace, I was forward-focused, and even though I started to feel fatigue in my feet by the last mile, I was able to finish. Um, this time 6 people finished behind me. I'm picking 7 for my next race.

Next race: 15K in 4 weeks.

So now it's time to talk about D...again. So to recap: I met the boy, dated for a while, really enjoyed his company and tried to allow myself to be open to possibility of love. I reached a point in which I knew it was not so simple to just date him, but I was fairly certain he was not in the same place as me given prior conversations we had. Also, in spite of the many times he proclaimed himself quite open with people, I found him hard to figure out and he often seemed distant and closed off from me...like he was on the defensive around me, and I could not figure out why. After an amazing date that ended for me with the fear of a broken heart, I started to close off my heart to him. It was the only way I knew to protect it. He pulled away too, and I read this as disinterest.

In the same sudden manner that he disappeared from me, he popped back into my life. So this time I made the decision for my heart. I told him how I felt, what I feared, and that I was making a decision to close off the possibility of dating, but I wanted to remain friends. I honestly thought this was possible due to how we never jumped into anything and I was willing to close off that part of my heart. Over the many, many years I've done this, I find that I've become quite skilled at it. I did not want to lose him as a friend, and I thought that we could do this.

And yet he disappeared again. So I did not chase him. But he'd make a brief appearance in the form of an email, text message, or telephone call, but if I responded, he'd disappear again. So I called him out last night, and it was a bizarre and disappointing phone call. He confused me, he danced around what he was trying to say, and even though he was saying that yeah, being friends would be cool, it didn't feel sincere, and I was left feeling like the joke...like somehow I wasn't getting that despite his words, this was a polite form of good bye.

After weeks of feeling at peace with myself, I now felt like crap and like a loser. I made the decision this morning that not only do I not have the time to feel this way, but that I wasn't going to chase this. As much as I really, really, really enjoy the time I spend with him (and honestly feel capable of closing off the dating feelings), I couldn't allow myself to feel this bad about it. So I said good bye to him. Yes, in an email. I just couldn't talk to him anymore if I was going to be left feeling more empty and rotten after we speak. And I really meant my good bye too. It was sad, but I was at peace with this. I've had to learn the hard way that I must continue to do what's right for me, even if it isn't right for someone else. What I need, above all else right now, is to feel protected. And trying to figure out D was not very safe for me.

And then I did my normal cleansing ritual I do when a relationship ends. I deleted all emails, his phone number, and anything that would leave a memory of him. It was too painful. I also prepared myself for the fact that he might respond. I was very careful in my decision to say good bye. I did not do this as a ploy, so I made a decision that I would not answer him if he tried to reach out one last time.

Except I was not prepared for his message to me. Without exposing the details, he not only reached out to me to be his friend, but he shared some deeply personal things he's been struggling with, he owned that he should have shared these with me before, and he asked me to reconsider and give him another chance to be my friend...he really poured his heart out to me and showed me a vulnerable and real side of him that he's not shared before.

I'm still angry, though I'm not sure I'm angry at him. I think I'm angry that I still feel connected and his message really struck my heart. But my anger is subsiding, and if he's sincere, I think I can be his friend. Although I still feel cagey and on-guard, so it might take me a while to soften with him again. But I did soften enough to respond. I told him I appreciated his candor, but I needed some time to process his message. I also told him that I wouldn't bail on him, but he needed to figure out how to stop pushing me away. And I said I couldn't date him.

So. I have a lot to think about, and I don't know what I'll say to him. I want to make sure I don't lose sight of me in this.