Pre-Race Jitters

I'm in a pensive mood right now...these moments happen when I'm the right mix of relaxed and stimulated at the same time (if that makes sense)...like not a sleepy/dreamy relaxed, but the kind of relaxed in which I don't have a laundry list of things I need to do running through my mind.

I'll be the first to admit, sometimes it's the alcohol. However, tonight is my last drink for the rest of the week. Including wine. I have a race next Saturday, and I want to be at my optimum performance and not suffering from a sulfide-induced headache. [Besides, I just poured off the last of my Absolut so it's a good time to pretend I'm abstaining for Lent.]

"You come off as totally self-confident, but why not take a peek behind that oh-so-confident façade. Are you actually a little bit frightened of romantic attachment? Of intimacy and the vulnerability that goes along with it? Hey, that's totally normal. The question is, why do you try so hard to hide it? Ponder that this month."

I told you He talks to me through my horoscopes. No one else knows I struggle with this exact issue. I go back and forth, wrestling with my mind and my heart...I recently took the easy way out with D and am putting forth a valiant effort to close off my heart. I'm still struggling with this. And so He spoke to me again today: "Don't automatically give up what you want--examine the situation."

And so now I need to talk about D again.

I was at ease with my decision to tell D that it's better if we're just friends for now. It still feels like the most rational and logical decision under the circumstances. Besides, it eased my stress and cleared my mind...it allowed me to redirect my thoughts to the critical stuff at work.

Yes, I was afraid of getting hurt, but this isn't all about me. It's about him too. He's not ready (or he's not ready for me). I don't want to take a risk with him and then lose even the possibility of friendship with him, so this seems like the most reasonable (and yes, I admit, SAFE) thing to do.

So I gave up what I wanted because I was afraid. But you know, you cannot choose someone who isn't available to be chosen...so is that really giving up or is it a stalemate?

In other news of changes with Ruby...the longest relationship I've ever had with any hairdresser is the one that I have right now. When T got married, this is the woman who created my fabulous up-do. When I moved back to this state, I immediately worked my way into her limited schedule.

I trust her completely. Each cut, style, and coloring that she's given me...I've taken these risks from her suggestion. This last change is no exception. I went in for a trim and new highlights, and I left with a 5 inches cut off and a new do. The biggest risk is how her style can look fabulous when I leave her shop but it's essentially unrepeatable when left to my own devices the next day. However, this one may be a keeper. Not only was I able to reproduce her style, but I think I'm going to really like the new things I can do with it too.

So happiness (at least for today) is that I have new glasses and new hair...alas, I'll be content with this for a while.

Right now the weather indicates warmer temperatures (30s-40s) but 40% chance of rain next Saturday...I’m not sure which is worse--the bitter cold and biting wind (but no rain), or tolerable temperatures with water splattering in my face. 6 miles is going to take me approximately an hour and 45 minutes to finish...this will be interesting. More to post on that when it happens.

p.s. I watched the film "Hard Candy" last night. Um, this is perhaps one of the darkest films I've watched in a while...the castration scene was handled extremely well and despite not showing any bit of the gore, I struggled to sit still and be able to watch the scene in full...the actor did a phenomenal job really creating the tension for us. It's like "Misery" meets "Take Back the Night"...Ellen Page was amazing.