Judith Butler would be ashamed of me...

I'm so mad right now, I could spit.

I never really did understand the logic behind that statement, but I hear it all of the time. Frankly, the statement makes me feel trapped inside some ridiculous 20th century coming-of-age (pre-Judy Blume era) novel...you know what kind I'm talking about--where we're supposed to fall in the love with the heroine who is aching to challenge the Establishment, but she's caught between wanting to follow the freedom that will unlock her heart and her immobilizing fear of breaking the norm, so she's reconditioned to present her docile and ever-so-subordinate young woman idolized during that time.

Society never welcomes the Bitch into her house, does she?

Because I worry of workplace retaliation, I need to be careful how I tell this story. The boring sketch tells the story of a friend who traveled last week with a male co-worker from another team, and this co-worker said and did inappropriate things that made her uncomfortable, so while she did inform her boss upon her return, she doesn't want to file a complaint because she's afraid of the corporate sexual harassment policy (zero tolerance) that might cost him his job and all she wants is to ensure she doesn't have to travel with him again. Something a lot of women have probably experienced, yes?

What makes me mad are the details of her story. As she unraveled the events, I grew more horrified with each example she provided, as it is clear this co-worker not only lacks tact, but his actions suggest that he was trying to create opportunities to be alone with her AND isolate her from other people. This is where borderline social nerd turns creepy. Oh, and then there was the absolutely blatant sexual pick-up involving a hot tub...but I've rushed ahead too much and need to back up a bit.

This co-worker has poor personal hygiene and is beyond morbidly obese, but he seems to have a pleasant demeanor in spite of his tendency to say and do embarrassing things in social situations. He has a history of disclosing too much personal information--my friend learned on a prior team trip that this co-worker and his wife engage in extra-marital sexual activities, and I learned on a team trip with him that he once had a fight with his ex-wife in which she locked him out of the bedroom, so he kicked down the door causing her to draw a gun on him, upon which he physically struck her in an attempt to defend himself. Oh, how the color gray looks different to everyone.

Days before this trip, he suggested she bring along her swimsuit because the hotel had a hot tub. The look of horror on her face must have been apparent because he quickly tried to come back with a witty comment about a fat man in a Speedo. She shared this story with me and we both had a good laugh. I wished her well on her trip.

The first night of their trip, he came to her room and knocked on her door close to midnight. She was caught off guard, and she didn't open the door to him. The next day, he overshared with her his personal frustration with our company and openly complained about the members of their team. In front of the supplier, he made a disparaging remark about our company, somewhat compromising his credibility to those who were present. My friend was embarrassed, but again, shrugged it off as more tactless behavior. That evening before they headed out to dinner, she tried to schedule a ride to the airport with the hotel shuttle, but he interrupted her request, created a loud scene in the hotel lobby, and informed her he would take her to the airport in the morning (despite the 3 hour difference between their departing flights on different airlines). In a subordinating tone, he cut off her conversation with "We'll discuss this over dinner." During dinner, he continued to make disruptive scenes so other patrons would look their way. When he noticed her shiver because of the cold air, he said, "Well, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to warm you up is to put you in the hot tub when we get back." Completely stunned, my friend responded, "The only thing I'll be doing when I return to the hotel is my Accounting homework," to which he tried to offer his tutoring services to her, but she continued to decline. Due to her people-pleasing and I-don't-want-to-cause-a-scene demeanor, she accepted the ride to the airport the next morning, but not only did he cause them to leave the hotel late, he headed in the opposite direction from the airport and refused to turn around for nearly 4 miles. When he dropped her off at Departures, she thought she was finally rid of his inappropriate behavior for the time being, but then he showed up at her gate and waited with her until she boarded her flight. Did I mention his flight left 3 hours later and on a different airline?

Is this the odd behavior of a socially awkward and lonely man, or does it suggest predatory/stalking behavior? In this day and age of zero tolerance sexual harassment, most corporate policies leave little room to resolve the gray area of inappropriate behavior that causes someone discomfort. Most men consider corporate policies skewed unfairly in favor of women with little room for men to explain their side of the story. For every case of true sexual harassment, it seems as if there is a corresponding case of false accusation. So what are we supposed to do? Without actual harm as a result of the encounter, how does one sincerely interpret what happened and why they feel uncomfortable? Women are socially groomed to silently endure discomfort and only speak out when they are truly harmed. Besides, no woman wants to be known as the person who got someone fired simply because he made her feel uncomfortable. Social and personal comfort is so subjective these days.

I truly feel for my friend. As she told her story, she tried to explain what his intent could have meant with his actions...in essence, she was trying to rationalize away how he made her feel. I reminded her that it did not matter his intent--he could be sincere and nerdy and unaware that he crossed a line or he could have been trying to create an opportunity for an invitation--it really doesn't matter what he intended nor will she ever know without confronting him...the bottom line is that his actions were inappropriate, and that is not something she should ignore.

I feel for my friend because I recognize all too well that her need to soothe the situation and not stir up trouble with the company is part of how women are socially conditioned to be docile. In my mind, she should have felt empowered to stand up for herself, call out his behavior and inform him when he crossed the line, but in all honestly, I know that if I were to be in her situation, I would have done much of the same as her--I would have tried to endure the best I can and have minimal contact, not challenge him, and try to make myself as small and invisible as possible, praying that my trip would end soon so I could get back to my comfort zone.

WHY IS THAT??? Why do we do that? I'm tired. I need to ponder this some more.