Lo siento a mi amigo...

2 beers, half a bottle of wine and a bag of M&Ms later...

Here I am, pensive, but stumped. The Matrix Revolutions is playing in the background (not nearly as clever as the first in the series).

Dave drunk dialed me tonight. I didn't realize it at first, but soon it became clear. It stung: he doesn't find me attractive when he's sober, but when his beer goggles are on, he feels free to call me. The whole thing made me feel cheap. When I called him out, he backpedaled and tried to deny it. It will be interesting to see how he handles this when he sobers up.

So here I am, comfortably buzzed and over-indulging on chocolate. If this isn't emotional eating, then I don't know what is.

I owe a friend an apology. Sharing this concern in this space is a bit weird for me as I don't want this to seem like a passive/aggressive tactic to avoid facing her. I haven't actually told her this yet, but releasing this feeling/worry is a good thing for me right now. I owe her an apology because she was trying to help me last week, and my responses to her didn't express that I appreciated it. Before I talk about the apology, I need to explain my current state of angst.

A while back, I took stock in my life--who I am and the kind of lifestyle I want to lead--and I realized how far off the mark I am from what I want. So I made an effort to incorporate a variety of changes, and when these didn't pan out as I expected (or wanted), I felt disillusioned about life.

As I work through this icky feeling of disappointment and regret, I was caught off-guard when she asked how I feel right now. This is why I owe her an apology: I tried to describe how I felt, but I used the wrong words. For example, I wanted to tell her how I feel like the color red...but instead of describing the color red to her, I described the color yellow...and she was listening, so she thinks I feel like yellow, and she responded with words of encouragement and suggestions, but it frustrated me because I knew this was wrong. I wanted her to understand that I felt red, but since I wasn't using the correct language, she couldn't hear me...she wasn't understanding me. And I think I frustrated her too...I owe her an apology for using the wrong language.

I want her to know that in spite of my seemingly self-absorbed misery, I was listening to her. Much of what she suggested stuck with me. I've been mulling over my feelings and how/why I feel so frustrated, so all of these uneasy thoughts replay through my mind. But I'm still working through it. In fact, it's almost a week later, and things she said are still on my mind. I just need to finish this so I can share it with her.