Desperately Seeking Stevie...

"A million delightful ideas are crowding your head, and your spirit is as effervescent as seltzer water. It's a great time to mix in with a big crowd...they'll love your enthusiasm."

Translation: you have ADD and you've been identifying too well with the vodka & soda drinks at the bar...it's time to lose yourself in the chaos around you.

Yes, I would say His sense of humor has returned.

Training kicked my ass hard today. Today was my endurance day, and I'm a week behind the schedule. I ran/walked 5 miles today at the gym. That's the longest distance I've ever hit in one session, and it's just a mile and change under the distance for my next race, the 10K. I feel good that I made it and I feel comfortable that I'll make it through the next event.

Except I feel like I need to hack off my left foot. It's throbbing in pain, and I was actually limping around my apartment when I came home. Something is not right with that foot, and I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do about it. If this is what happens after 5 miles, I'm afraid of what will happen when I walk the mini-marathon.

I am soooooooo out of shape. 5 miles really hurt me, and I ended up soaking in a hot bath with a tall, icy vodka & soda to ease my pain. It worked, but I'm not sure it's a race-sanctioned recovery practice and I probably should refrain from sharing it with others. Oh well, the bath has me warm and relaxed (and my skin so freakin' soft right now...it's a shame I have no boy to share this with). As soon as I finish this post, I'm off to winky town.

Oh! I almost forgot! I found out today that Stevie Nicks is going on tour with Chris Isaak this summer, but there isn't any ticket information available on her website except for a few shows in Vegas next month.

I love Chris Issak.
I LOVE Stevie Nicks.
Therefore I MUST find tickets to this show.

All I want for my birthday is a ticket to this show. I cannot explain how overwhelmingly excited I am right now. I have no one I know of that would want to go with me, but I don't care. I am in love with the notion that I could see both of them together at one venue. This is better than The Police reunion or meeting Billy Corgan in person. I have no idea if she'll even make it to Indy, but I'll catch a Detroit or Chicago venue if I have to...I will now stalk her official website until it provides updated tour information. I'm so excited right now...

Screw Kappa Napa

I've been thinking a lot about emotions and what they mean. Things happen to us that leave a mark in time. These marks are our wounds, and we carry our wounds around with us until they kill us.

Visibility is a trap.

How many ways can I say that? How many ways can I describe it? If we're not careful, we can be trapped by our pain. But if we're too careful, we can disappear into oblivion and no one will ever see us again.

I am quite unhappy with my life right now. This is a productive kind of unhappiness, though. I'm angry and frustrated, so it motivates me to do something to make my life happy again. This is different from the kind of unhappiness I've experienced before in which depression just takes a vice grip kind of hold over me.

I think much of my unhappiness stems from feeling stuck and unable to make a coherent decision. Usually I just make decisions and move from there. I have the ability to accept the consequences--even those that are unknown--and a belief that I'll persevere, or at least a belief that no matter the consequences, I'll still come out ahead. Decisions (even the poor ones) are what move me forward in life.

But lately I've felt stuck (some might call it creative constipation), and because I've worried that my decisions might leave me with consequences worse off than the kind of life I have now, I've put my decisions on hold. It's quite frustrating how this reluctance to act can have a more powerful grip than simply moving forward (even if forward is really backwards).

I hope I'm making sense.

I watched Running With Scissors this evening and, as brilliant as this cast is, I don't think the director was able to capture the bizarre magic of the actual memoir. Augusten's story is so unreal, and his prose is better able to transcend the suspense of disbelief than this film.


p.s. I was browsing the wine section today at a local liquor store, and I saw this brand of wine on the shelf...no, I didn't buy it, but I thought it made a clever subject title for tonight.

Rubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyrubyruby......

I'm stuck. I'm so freakin' stuck right now.

Did I mention that I've made a colossal mess of my personal life? Strike that. My latest mess is reaching epic proportions. But you know what? I think I'm going to be okay.

I clashed with my best friend earlier this week...while this incident isn't itself isn't significant to the story, it brought up a lot of hurt feelings that both of us have been holding onto lately, and we need to do something with it. Now we just need to find the time.

[Sidebar: what's hard for me is accepting that our relationship is not equal. I respect that she has a family and her career to also balance...but I think our emotional needs aren't the same. I don't have a family to balance, and I don't have much of an outside life, so if my emotional needs aren't being met, then I'm left feeling empty. I know it isn't fair to foist that all on her, so that's where I struggle. I hold back, but it doesn't make me feel less empty.]

I had that awkward but necessary talk with A...surprisingly he was just as uncomfortable as I felt and we have an understanding about what happened and how neither of us want it to happen again...at least not right now and definitely not under these circumstances. Why does sex have to be so complicated?

But if I were to be truly honest about why I let it happen (or more specifically, why I gave in to the moment so dramatically), it has to do with my conflicted feelings about D. These feelings are unresolved and paired with my emotionally lonely state right now, it should be clear why sex with A was such a desperate move for me.

[Sidebar: A is a pretty intense guy. He's smart and he's passionate, and he makes me feel sexy and desired...but in the end, we both were consumed with our own guilty baggage. A because he wants to stop jumping into relationships with people and start making decisions that consider the feelings of both people, and my guilt was because I knew I was grasping on to something that would fill me for the moment (even if it would leave me feeling empty soon after). I also felt guilty because I know this is about D.]

So maybe it's time to talk about D.

Dating him has been an interesting study of life for me...mine mostly. I've been forced to deal with feelings and emotions and make sense of it all. He's the most open and honest man I've met, and he's incredibly in touch with who he is AND is capable of communicating it.

So it sounds wonderful, yes? But it's terrifying. Throughout our time together, we've both been absolutely clear with each other about where we stand with each other. I know he's dating at least one other person, and he feels conflicted at times. I also know that I'm starting to fall for him and realize that it's not possible to casually date anymore...I want to be open to the risk with him, but I am terrified because I don't think he's ready or wants to be in the same place as me.

There's more to share and I'll have to save it for a later post, but the bottom line is that I've called everyone into question right now--T (best friend), A, and D. I've opened up this can of emotional fear and it's about to get really messy. But I think it will be okay. I really understand that no matter what, this has to happen, otherwise I will stay stuck.

Know Thyself

I have, once again, made a colossal mess of my personal life, and I struggle to make sense of what happened or why I did it.

Often it feels as if there is another force inside of me fighting against everything I think or feel. Personally, I think it's possible that two sides of my brain are fighting for control, and that's what drives me to do the asinine things I do. I once took a brain dominance test and wouldn't you know that I scored straight down the middle with no tie breaker?? 90% of us are left-brain dominant. Not only do I fall in the 10% minority, but I'm caught exactly in the middle. I am center-brained with no tendency to think toward either side. Out of 50 questions, 17 indicated I'm left brained, 17 indicated I'm right-brained, and 16 indicated I use both hemispheres. Now, that seems odd to me--I think that means I should be more balanced and harmonious and instead, I'm a complicated and kinetic ball of tension that sparks at the slightest touch.

Personally, I also think this explains why I'm such a mess and why I do messy things with my personal life. The logical side has a fairly pointed opinion about how I should live my life, but the emotional side wants me to lead by what I feel. Just when I think I'm on the brink of truly understanding who I am or what I am here to do, I lose touch with my intuition and begin to question what I've done. It seems clear that both sides of my brain are at war with each other to gain control over me. I experience these inner conflicts when one side starts to gain momentum and the other side finds a reserve of strength to pull back. Maybe this is why I get lost and lose my focus easily. I thought it was just ADD, but really it's the divided hemispheres scheming for control. You know, I'm half Yankee and half Confederate too. It's all starting to make sense now. It truly is a battle for the referent, and in this case, the referent to control is me. I wonder if there is a pill I can take to fix this...

Why is it that so many people seem to experience some sort of quasi-crisis in their 30s? Whtat is so special about this age in particular? Everything I seem to read lately suggests that this is a common theme for people my age: Eat-Pray-Love, Sacred Selfishness, watching Britney self-destruct before our mediated eyes...it's all around me and happening to both the famous and obscure. If these quarter-life crises really are that common, this should give me some comfort for my own grief, but it doesn't. I still feel all alone and misunderstood, and I ache for the simpler times of my past when trying to get by in life wasn't so hard.

The common theme seems to be any or all of the following: dissatisfied with accomplishments, faced with a paralyzing depression, and frustrated with a sense or disillusionment...relationships fall apart, careers unravel, and addictive behaviors emerge. What results is usually a transformation of sorts...sometimes through therapy or a stint in rehab, but most often through self-discovery and an awakening to a new level of consciousness. Metaphorically, it's a rebirth...I suppose I could trace this process through each of the stories and discover some sort template for renewal, but I'd rather just hurry up and get to the other side of this change. I don't like it. I wish there were some way I could accelerate my molting body and emerge as a new and improved warrior princess. I think I need another self-help book for that. Self-help ( box 3) is on the horizon...and I'm only 31.

BTW, I had sex with a boy and it was a mistake. I don't even know where to begin.

Too Late For Love...

I "heart" Def Leppard. (That big 80's rock ballad just picked up rhythm in your mind, didn't it?)

God's been awfully quiet these past few days. He was on a roll with these amazing horoscope insights, but lately these messages have been fairly trite (the kind of trite when someone is trying to hard to be clever) and don't strike me as His style of prose. Take the quickie for today: "Has it ever occurred to you that even if you don't achieve all your goals, you're still better for trying? Compare yourself with people who admit defeat before they even get out of bed in the morning -- you have a lot to be proud of."

Oh, that's rich and raises the bar quite high for me, Little Miss Über-Achiever.

Yes, I do get the subtle hint of the message, and yes, I do realize He could still be speaking to me. Maybe I'm just a little disappointed in it because I'd hoped for something a little more profound...something a little less preachy and a little more practical like a super-natural Power Up! to tackle some of the overdue items on my To-Do List. Maybe then I wouldn't envy those with the courage to stay in bed with the covers over their head.

However, maybe I should consider myself lucky that I've been able to find my medium with Him. I know most people think He's trying to reach us through those kitschy roadside church signs. You know which signs I'm talking about: "7 days without prayer make one weak" (overdone) or my favorite, "Sinners! On your mark, get set, PRAY! (Repent!)" as seen in front of a non-denominational church located near 16th and Georgetown outside of the track in Speedway.

C'mon, these signs aren't a divine punctuation of our false consciousness...they're just manmade, guilt-induced tactics of interpellation. We can be smarter than this. Can't we?

Am I no better with my assumptions that I'm the only Aries on Yahoo! who talks with God? Maybe He isn't really talking to me...maybe I just need to think that He's listening.

This is depressing talk. I wanna go back and live in the 80's when my biggest worries were keeping my hair big, my boombox loud, and my lips shined for the cutest boy in school (I "heart" Billy D. 4-EVER).

Lessons from the 5K

I had a fantastic race on Saturday. Most people wouldn't think so if they were judging it based upon what you could see on the surface: finished 752 out of 757, I began to cry (in quite the self-releasing sort of way) around mile 1, and it was cold beyond merely uncomfortable.

But I had no one to share my journey with...no one who would/could appreciate what those tears meant to me, or understand why just competing in the race was a major step for me...no one to celebrate with when it was over.

Part of this is my fault: I've locked a lot of people out. I failed to invite any of my friends or family to be a part of this with me, and I am reluctant (and quite resistant) to let anyone see this vulnerable side of why the race scared me. I tried to scratch the surface with D in an email, but it was very frustrating because I still wasn't being honest in what I was saying (or even trying to say). I was still frightened of being judged and scoffed at, and I was afraid he would be quick to dismiss me.

These are my issues. I don't parade them around like some sort of medal of valor, nor do I try to pretend they don't exist. This is what I work through, and this is--above all else--what will either allow me to love again or close off my heart forever. Since I don't want to live a life of isolation, I must cut away this jungle foliage. It's just so hard at times.

Walking is cathartic for me. It is peaceful, serene, and it involves no one but me and my thoughts. I haven't yet learned the art of turning off my mind. This is something I admire about D, but I realize it's something attainable. If I spend time focused on creating a balanced and peaceful life, I can find a way to make my mind stop turning all of the time. I'm just not there yet.

There was/is a risk to dating again. Right now I'm kinda caught up with two guys and I'm so overwhelmed I feel like bailing on them both...which unfortunately means I'm really bailing of myself.

With D, I'm not so sure what our disconnect is...he seems to think it's because we're at different places with our hearts, but I think it has more to do with "clicking" or attraction...I still don't know how to understand him. I know I like him, and I know I'm attracted to him, but I don't like how this makes me feel. Should we let go of this dating thing and just be friends? I'm so confused.

I read something interesting today...perhaps my biggest issue is how I always scurry off to avoid discomfort. Maybe I need to just work through how uncomfortable this makes me feel and, through this I could learn whether we really have potential for something.

And then there is A...I'm too tired to talk about that now, but I will soon.

Zaràfa Pinotage 2005

God talks to me through the Yahoo! daily horoscopes. Seriously. Some people connect with Him in dreams while He speaks to others through a burning bush (and in extreme cases, through a perceived illegitimate pregnancy). My connection is more subtle and, luckily for me, easy to access. Sometimes these messages don't make sense, but by the end of the day, His meaning seems clear. Other times He's just downright brutal with His honesty, and there is no misunderstanding what He's talking about.

His latest is my "Monthly Romance" in which He doesn't just poke me in the ribs to wake me up, He also slaps me in the face. "It's time for you to really dig down deep and take a long, hard look at what you're doing romantically. Are you really, really trying? Why aren't you trying? Are you afraid? Of what?"

I know God talks to me through Yahoo! horoscopes because I talk to Him through prayer, and since He can't actually speak to me in the tangible way we talk to each other in our conscious world, He must use esoteric means...although I can be a little obtuse sometimes, so I think He's using the Yahoo! horoscope medium as a way to get my attention.

Consider my latest issue...I joined eHarmony and before actually meeting a few guys in person, I had a blast with the email exchange. Of the guys I met, I kinda fell for one and was trying to be open to letting another one inside of my heart. Of the few times before in which I tried online dating, I prepped myself to make the effort to REALLY be open this time instead of just window shopping for love (which I'm inclined to do in my commitment phobe kind of way).

I prayed about it...you really have no idea how much of an emotional mess I can be about these things. I have a tendency to bail at the slightest sign of rejection or disinterest, and it was a real struggle not to behave the same way this time. I prayed that He would give me the strength to stick this out and see any issue through to the end. I prayed that He would open my heart to love, or at least help ME open my heart (I get confused whether we're supposed to ask God to help us or if He prefers to help those who help themselves). I prayed for insight when these boys confused me. And, above all else, I prayed that I could just get over myself and find a way out of this self-imposed miserable prison I erected around my heart so long ago when a silly boy broke my heart.

And like I said, He responded to me. It took me a while to figure it out, but when I realized He was using Yahoo! horoscopes to open my eyes to the ways of living, I became a daily reader of this wisdom and insight.

This month He's asking if I'm really trying. I thought I was, I really did. But now I realize that I'm still the scared, insecure broken girl I've always been, and even though I tried to resist my own dysfunctional ways in the most valiant of efforts, I still failed to really, and I mean really, try to open my heart to love. I still wanted it on my terms and exposed in a visible way that I could deal with. I wasn't prepared for these guys having their own feelings and their own ways of dealing with their broken hearts. And I'm still very much afraid. That is the key to this mess for me.

Dr. Phil (yes I read Dr. Phil) says there are two kinds of desperate women--those who are desperate to find a man and those who are desperate to avoid getting hurt. Ouch. His words made me realize that I fall into that latter category and, despite all of my prior protests otherwise, I am indeed a DESPERATE WOMAN. So when God asks, "Are you really, really trying?" Shamefully and regrettably, I must admit that no, I am not really trying. At least not yet.

What will I give up for love? I have no idea anymore. If it's not fear, then what is it?

I've Been Hailed

I received a speeding ticket Saturday. It's all part of some silly little campaign called "Keep It 55" and somehow I was hailed above all others. Lucky me.

First, let me clear: I do not admit to speeding. In fact, I was rather shocked to be pulled over in the first place. The officer was not stopped along the side of the road with a radar gun, and he used his own odometer to register what he believes was my speed at that time. When I first saw his vehicle, I thought he needed to get through traffic, and it was rather congested on the freeway, so I was trying to gain clearance from the cars in the other lane to move over, and perhaps I was traveling in excess of the limit, but my focus of the moment was not so much to watch my speed as it was to clear the fast lane for his vehicle to pass.

Second, I could have been in a lot more trouble than what I received. I am in the process of changing my car registration from another state and, although I have a temporary permit from this state to cover me during this transition, I'm technically in limbo between states. What's preventing me from being firmly registered in this state? Well, that leads me to my third point which is I cannot locate my proof of insurance. Now, I know I'm covered. There is a receipt of payment that proves I'm covered...but that little card they give you for situations just like this? Yeah, I cannot find that little card, and the State of Indiana says I cannot obtain my new registration without that little card. See how this silly game works?

I've always just paid my tickets and moved on (literally...I seem to move to another state soon after so these have yet to catch up on my insurance), but $150 is soooooooo much, I'm thinking about fighting it this time. Perhaps I'm tempting fate though? Given my questionable state right now without my official state registration? Hmmmmm.

I may have been hailed, but I do not have to succomb to "so be it."

The Butterfly Effect

There is a point to keeping a blog, yes? And even if no one other than me ever reads it...the point is to update on a somewhat consistent basis (otherwise what counts as a "log"?)...so hard.

In the past 4 months, I've managed to commit/accomplish the following:

1. join eHarmony
2. register (and begin training) for the mini-marathon
3. ponder the meaning of MY life
4. keep my job


I am a self-proclaimed commitment phobe. With respect to people and relationships, I am the most loyal and accountable person on this planet. However, when it pertains to committing to myself, I have issues. Car financing, apartment leases, cellphone contracts, and any kind of subscription (magazine, online dating sites, academic affiliations) or registration (voter, car, insurance) all make me anxious. I've been known to live in one state, hold a license in another, have my car registered in a 3rd, and hold storage facilities in two locations (neither in the state in which I live).

I've made great strides over the past year. I now live, vote, and legally operate a vehicle all within the same state, I'm working to transfer my car registration, and I've closed and relocated one of my storage facilities. I'm slowly but steadily making Indiana my permanent home.

So in this short time, I did join and actively participate in the eHarmony dating site. I've also recently cancelled my subscription while I rethink my dating priorities. What's that diamond commercial? "How else can 3 months' salary last forever?" During my 3 months with eHarmony, I began to rethink what it is that I want to count as "forever."

There is a whole diatribe about me and what I want for love, and what it will take for me to be open to love (I haven't forgotten that I still haven't answered what it is I will give up for love)...but I'll save that for another post when I talk about how I'm conflicted over myself plus two different boys.

But that should give a glimpse of how I've been spending my time--obsessing and dating--what a dangerous cocktail for love.

As if I didn't have enough going on, I've also added a training regimen to my activities so I can be prepared for the mini-marathon in May. I've kept it up for over a month now, so that should count toward my new attitude about commitments. [Disappointingly, I haven't lost any weight despite all of this added exercise...I fear I need to give up alcohol if I want to see a difference in my body. How sad--on a cold winter night, yes indeed, a bottle of red wine CAN keep me warm...so now I'll have no man and no bottle.]

Back to the unaswered question of what will I give up for love...I think I'm closer to knowing what it is. No, it's not wine, and it's not my space. It's my fear. What's difficult is that although I know what it is that I must give up, I am nowhere close to knowing how to do this. So, what will I give up for love? I will have to give up the comfort I receive from being afraid of getting hurt. I must let go of my fear, as it is holding a deathgrip around the latch to my heart. In the name of Protection and in the spirit of Perservation, my fear keeps me safe from pain. But my fear is not good for me, and it is smothering me to death.

I just need to figure out how I can let go.