"Nothing to Lose" by Mat Kearney

I had to make a visit to a prospective supplier this week. Since they're located only a few hours from the plant, I drove for this trip. Once I got outside of the city, it wasn't a bad drive--a straight shot up to the northern part of the state along a state highway. Good, easy drives always lead to a clearing of my mind and either new project ideas or at least a some sort of mental aerobics that gives my mind a workout.

I have a new CD. It's a copy of the latest from Mat Kearney. I saw his concert a few weeks ago (with Rocco Deluca, my new crush), and I love, LOVE this CD. Track 10 (All I Need) is my new obsession. I played this CD over and over while I drove and it led to all sorts of thoughts about school, my job, and (of course) D. I'm ready to make some decisions.

[Sidebar: Mat Kearney quotes a friend and says that driving through the Midwest is friendly and lonely. As I think this through, I agree that the roads *are* lonely. I've made the Detroit to Indy drive for years, plus the Indy to Cincy, Indy to Nashville, and Indy out west...but all of my trips, while lonely, do give me a sense of peace during the drive, so as I think about his statement, I agree, but as a native Hoosier, I take comfort in that (or at least I think so). When I lived in LA, I had an interesting conversation with a non-native client through the hotel. When he learned I was moving back home, he commented that he knew I wasn't Caly native. When I lived in Mississippi, I met someone there who had lived (and raised children) in Marion, IN for a short while. To an audience of southern women, she explained Hoosier Hospitality in relation to southern hospitality...in the south, there is a genuine friendliness, but it's borne out of etiquette and a deeply entrenched decorum while Hoosier Hospitality may not extend out of manners, but when the graciousness is extended, it's for real. How the hell do I get off on these tangents?]

One last diversion...while Rocco Deluca emotes a sexy ephemeral persona regardless of his music, Mat Kearney projects a boy next door sexiness only evident in his music. It's a mind fuck state...and boy, do I tend to fall for those. I like the boys not so easy on the eyes, but when they open the window to their soul, I fall head over heels.

But back to what I discovered today. Part of my thought exercise leads me to ask, am I heavy with hope and anticipation or light with apprehension and concern? It's not just a question for me...you could benefit from this too. I'm not sure how to answer this just yet. I think that some days I live my life heavy with apprehension and concern, so I need to figure out how I flip this around so the heaviness leaves my heart.

I've started working through the heavy decisions associated with finishing my degree. I think there are a few factors fueling this: a former academic friend resurfacing and trying to carve a space back into my life. I want to open my heart to this again, and with it my prior pain and disappointment of school comes back to stare me in the face. But more than that is the what, when and how associated with completion. I need to accept not only what I want, but make sure I carve out the space and time to devote to this. So of course I recognize that I'm very scared.

I believe (it's true, even if I'm alone with my thoughts) that Academia is The Black Widow of social science. Those who've been exposed to her would agree, I think. It's all just a game, but those who survive it are able to carve out a space for themselves as they move forward in life.

The problem for me is that I'm still stinging for the ass-kicking she gave me. This wasn't a standard push-me-to-my-limits kind of ass-kicking. This was a spirit sucking, ego smashing, confidence shattering ass-kicking. I invested the best parts of me into her, and when she kissed me, she sucked the life right out of me and left me to deal with the empty carcass that no longer even looked like me. Academia is the Bitch of all bitches. She is selfish, self-absorbed, vain, and always in need of fresh blood to infuse more life into her. And naïve me didn't see it coming.

Part of me is still a fighter, and I want to argue that this time I'm armed and dangerous and she won't be able to exploit me again. Sometimes our impact and the effect we have on life is fueled more by our assertion than our action.

But unlike past loves, I have not forgotten what Academia did to me. I know what she looks like, I know where she likes to hide, and I've gotten used to her pattern for haunting me. I'm very much aware that Academia is a femme fatale. Academia led me to disillusionment, and I crumbled as a result. This will not happen to me twice.

So part of me is scared.

What do I do?

Kiss the Cook

Once again D is heavy on my mind.

I've been feeling a lot of pressure at work lately due to increasing demands in the market plus changes happening within my team. All of this leaves me feeling emotionally raw so that when I come home from work and face an empty home and litte social life, I don't feel much is there to reinvigorate me. I recognize that my self-renewal must come from me...but I can't seem to find the appropriate outlet for this. The walking and training is a good energy outlet, but it's not enough. I'm wresting with my self-image demons and until these are conquered, I don't think exercise will help me let go of the pressures at work.

I think this is why I turn to wine. I haven't found anything that helps me temperarily release my stress quite as well as alcohol...but this is not without its side effects as well. Bloating, can't lose weight, headaches, and sometimes fatigue.

Giving up alcohol was perhaps a bit too much right now, but I think it's important that I keep perspective.

Anyway........D is on my mind because we had sex last week. Yes, I broke every single one of the rules I set with him. But I don't feel ashamed and I don't feel anxious. It's rather odd.

It was an odd night to begin with. The beatings from work left me drained, so I sought refuge through D, beer, and good food. During the course of the evening, I encountered a friend I haven't seen in years (he's the ex-husband of my college roommate and been avoiding all of us because of what he did to her), a colleague from work (one who had created a significant amount of my work pressure), and my boss's daughter (never met her before, just recognized her from the picture on his desk)...during which quite a lot of beer was consumed by everyone.

The state of my intoxication is why I spent the night with D, but I'm not sure I can say that is the reason I had sex with him. It's probably why I wasn't weighing the consequences, but I need to own that it's because of my loneliness and feelings for him that I didn't stop it from happening.

All of my no-touch rules were to protect my heart. Open communication (and the ability to articulate our thoughts and feelings) is one of the key strengths that we have together. I *know* his heart is not available, and I *know* where he stands with his ex...therefore I *know* he will break my heart if I give it to him. But then this also means I'm not taking the risk, and I'm no better off than before. And yet, I don't feel anxious about what happened because I don't pretend that it means something more than what it was--spontaneous drunk sex between two lonely people. It is sad, however, that it can't be more than that.

I wish he weren't on my mind so much.

In totally unrelated news, I've wagered a domestics contest with a coworker...I'll call him Brawny (like the papertowel man). Recently he's been putting a lot of home improvement efforts into his house, and he likes to boast his accomplishments with before and after pictures. He's also been a tremendous help for me in my new role, and through his support, we've bonded in an almost competitive way. When I need immediate help, I bribe him with beer. When I want to show my gratitude, I give him worms and beer or I bring him Starbucks. When I'm in a jam with my supplier, I wager that he's not able to bail me out which then ups the stakes of the issue. And most recently, we have a lunch bet on the line to see whose supplier will step up and out-perform the other.

Brawny sent me pictures of his kitchen remodeling project, and he mentioned his mother is coming to town to help him finish the interior painting. This led to my stories about my folks and their home improvement projects for me, and I started bragging about the shower curtain my mother made me. (Really, it's the most fabulous shower curtain ever and it really puts the finishing touch on how that bathroom looks.) Brawny said it couldn't compare to his recent bathroom remodel in which he retiled the floor and the tub area. So now it's on. We're going to compete against each other to see who created the best looking bathroom. We're compiling a list of judges now, but I'm not sure what the stakes are other than we're both overly proud of our domestic talents and neither wants to concede that the other could be better.

It's on.

In tennis, love means zero...

Friendship with D is very difficult for me. I told him that the other day, but then I backpedaled how I tried to describe it to him. I didn't want him to think it's due to the emotional heaviness he's suffering through on his own right now. And that much is true. It's not because of him and his issues...but it is because of him and my issues.

[Sidebar: How many times have I been back to this sad and lonely place? Each time I talk myself into taking a risk and put an effort into letting go, I look down and get scared. So I cower back into my safe place, retreat into my shell, and rush through all discomfort I feel. How many times is this now?]

I'm still struggling to articulate why it's difficult, but I have a few examples to illustrate. I can recall one of the times he kissed me before he left my place. I remember that it felt good, but after I said goodbye and closed the door, I suddenly burst into tears. I was so confused because I didn't know why I was crying--nice date, good kiss--but I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad, but because I felt raw. So I tried to just take in the moment. I thought about how hard it was for me to accept the risk of someone new, but I also thought about Bryce. I didn't know why he popped into my mind, but the whole vulnerable feeling of the moment was apparent to me. My crying was sudden, surprising, and it ended abruptly. I dismissed the ordeal as a side effect of learning to open my heart again.

Being friends with D is also difficult because in spite of being honest with him about my feelings, I still could not let go of my fear (of rejection, a broken heart, ridicule). I offered friendship, but when he waffled on that, I closed up and took cover from the pain...basically, I ran away and tried to rush through the discomfort I felt. But when he reeled me back in with a plea to reconsider, my tough façade crumbled (again), and here I am living each moment in discomfort. Smart Girl postures with Carrie Bradshaw talk and a Cosmo Girl walk...but Lonely Girl is the real reflection in the mirror. Who's kidding who? I think it's all me.

Another example I can share happened at the concert. Standing there alone, I worried he wouldn't show up. Soon after he arrived, I thought I saw Bryce...which, of course, conjured up more memories than I care to admit. It was precisely the kind of music and venue I would have attended with Bryce years ago. I found myself absorbed by the sound and really feeling the energy of the music embrace me, and it left me feeling raw and passionate yet restless. Old memories of concerts past flooded my mind--memories I'd long since forgotten--and lost feelings of love and being loved surfaced at this moment. And yet I was at this concert with D, but as a friend.

Things with Bryce started as a simple friendship. I wasn't even attracted to him when I met him. D talked about timing the other night, and I couldn't agree more...the way in which I fell in love with Bryce had everything to do with the appropriate timing for us both. It just didn't last, as I grew up in a way different from him and we no longer shared the same idea for how to live a full life with each other.

I'm still left trying to understand why friendship with D is still difficult. I've accepted our boundaries and individual limitations. I recognize his heart lies with someone else. To me, all of this is visible and there are no games. I suspect it's still difficult, however, because of the last of the unfinished Bryce business I have yet to resolve. I thought it was long gone, but certain forgotten bits are still trying to work their way out of my body, I think.

Love Thirty.

One year older, but one year wiser? My heart says no...

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I find that my evening walks open the opportunity for my mind to clear and my thoughts and ideas will surface. During a walk last week, I started down memory lane with all of my birthdays from 21 to present and why somewhere around 24 I stopped wanting to celebrate this day with other people. After thinking through the different celebrations, I realized that when well-meaning friends try to take over the day, then it ends up making me feel worthless and, as a result, I feel like shrinking to make myself less visible on this supposed very self-aware day. I've also realized that despite the whole list of dysfunctional feelings that result from spending time with my family, my birthday is the one celebration I like to have with them. These well-meaning friends have turned my special day into a battleground, and that makes me loathe the day it comes around.

Tomorrow is my birthday and, for the first time in at least 5 years, I'm actually looking forward to celebrating this day with someone else. I do wonder if it's because it's a day that I've let sneak up on me, or if it's because I'm in a new place with myself and open to the goodness that life can give me. I also wonder if it's because I'm spending the evening with D.

The rational and realistic side of my brain reminds me that D is still in love with his ex and, more than that, not attracted to me. The emotional side remembers how much fun I have when I spend time with him. And even though I've put forth every single rational and realistic roadblock I can imagine, my heart is in this and, I fear, in for a beating. I don't know how to stop it.

All I know to do is daily, DAILY, remind myself where things stand with us and where his heart still lives. It's like daily affirmations for carnal living.

I tried to break it off and even break off the friendship, but he reached back for me and I couldn't resist. I still don't know if it's because I'm up for the adventure or if it's because I'm desperate for attention from anyone--even someone who isn't into me the way I am into him. This could also be the wine talking, but I don't want to foreclose this thought process by protocol. I need to recognize where my heart is in this and accept what I've chosen to follow.

I want to ensure that I do not delude myself into thinking he will change his heart, nor do I want to sit around waiting for him. True, this sounds reasonable and even smart. But am I already playing roulette with my heart? Or is pursuing a platonic friendship really the only way to re-learn how to just be his friend?