I'm not sure how I should organize my thoughts right now...I want to talk about my second race last week (and how the endorphin rush inspired new thoughts for Ultimate Running race activities), I *need* to talk about D, and I have workplace updates to sort through...I just don't know where to start.
Workplace News: major changes are taking place within my division of the company, and I'm going have a slew of new opportunities to consider. One of the biggest consequences of these changes means a split in location--some of us will remain in Indy and others will be relocated to Chantilly. Where is Chantilly? I thought it meant we'd be moving to the UK, but apparently Chantilly is a suburb of DC. I cannot explain how excited this news makes me feel. I really miss the urban life I had in Detroit, and I am going to tell my management they can redeploy me to this location if they'd like. I'm single, no house, no kids, and my family doesn't live here anymore, so I could be ready for this. Better yet, I'm on the team that gets to create the detail and structure to support the changes that have already been approved, so I'll have a little advance knowledge of how these changes could affect me. I really think this could be a good thing for me.
Mini-Marathon Training News: I participated in the 10K. I felt good, my endorphins kicked into overdrive, and although I know I need more intense training to be prepared for the race in May, I think I'm on track for the 15K. Completing these races do not make me feel satisfied or give me a sense of accomplishment, and no matter how I try to look at it, there is still this deep (emotional) ache that doesn't go away...but they do provide me the reassurance that I CAN do this, and I'm using each race as a litmus test for the limitations of my body. I've already accepted I will not complete these races as a runner, but I've decided that when the race series ends in May, I'm going to start another training program that will put me on track to run the race series next year. Learning how to run seems exciting to me, and I look forward to it. But first, I MUST drop some additional weight or else I could kill my knees because of the extra stress.
The good news is this race didn't dredge up any past emotional baggage related to my sense of self and whether or not I'm a "good enough" woman. I have a lot of body shame, and that seeped through during the last race. But this race was good...I kept an even pace, I was forward-focused, and even though I started to feel fatigue in my feet by the last mile, I was able to finish. Um, this time 6 people finished behind me. I'm picking 7 for my next race.
Next race: 15K in 4 weeks.
So now it's time to talk about D...again. So to recap: I met the boy, dated for a while, really enjoyed his company and tried to allow myself to be open to possibility of love. I reached a point in which I knew it was not so simple to just date him, but I was fairly certain he was not in the same place as me given prior conversations we had. Also, in spite of the many times he proclaimed himself quite open with people, I found him hard to figure out and he often seemed distant and closed off from me...like he was on the defensive around me, and I could not figure out why. After an amazing date that ended for me with the fear of a broken heart, I started to close off my heart to him. It was the only way I knew to protect it. He pulled away too, and I read this as disinterest.
In the same sudden manner that he disappeared from me, he popped back into my life. So this time I made the decision for my heart. I told him how I felt, what I feared, and that I was making a decision to close off the possibility of dating, but I wanted to remain friends. I honestly thought this was possible due to how we never jumped into anything and I was willing to close off that part of my heart. Over the many, many years I've done this, I find that I've become quite skilled at it. I did not want to lose him as a friend, and I thought that we could do this.
And yet he disappeared again. So I did not chase him. But he'd make a brief appearance in the form of an email, text message, or telephone call, but if I responded, he'd disappear again. So I called him out last night, and it was a bizarre and disappointing phone call. He confused me, he danced around what he was trying to say, and even though he was saying that yeah, being friends would be cool, it didn't feel sincere, and I was left feeling like the joke...like somehow I wasn't getting that despite his words, this was a polite form of good bye.
After weeks of feeling at peace with myself, I now felt like crap and like a loser. I made the decision this morning that not only do I not have the time to feel this way, but that I wasn't going to chase this. As much as I really, really, really enjoy the time I spend with him (and honestly feel capable of closing off the dating feelings), I couldn't allow myself to feel this bad about it. So I said good bye to him. Yes, in an email. I just couldn't talk to him anymore if I was going to be left feeling more empty and rotten after we speak. And I really meant my good bye too. It was sad, but I was at peace with this. I've had to learn the hard way that I must continue to do what's right for me, even if it isn't right for someone else. What I need, above all else right now, is to feel protected. And trying to figure out D was not very safe for me.
And then I did my normal cleansing ritual I do when a relationship ends. I deleted all emails, his phone number, and anything that would leave a memory of him. It was too painful. I also prepared myself for the fact that he might respond. I was very careful in my decision to say good bye. I did not do this as a ploy, so I made a decision that I would not answer him if he tried to reach out one last time.
Except I was not prepared for his message to me. Without exposing the details, he not only reached out to me to be his friend, but he shared some deeply personal things he's been struggling with, he owned that he should have shared these with me before, and he asked me to reconsider and give him another chance to be my friend...he really poured his heart out to me and showed me a vulnerable and real side of him that he's not shared before.
I'm still angry, though I'm not sure I'm angry at him. I think I'm angry that I still feel connected and his message really struck my heart. But my anger is subsiding, and if he's sincere, I think I can be his friend. Although I still feel cagey and on-guard, so it might take me a while to soften with him again. But I did soften enough to respond. I told him I appreciated his candor, but I needed some time to process his message. I also told him that I wouldn't bail on him, but he needed to figure out how to stop pushing me away. And I said I couldn't date him.
So. I have a lot to think about, and I don't know what I'll say to him. I want to make sure I don't lose sight of me in this.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Judith Butler would be ashamed of me...
I'm so mad right now, I could spit.
I never really did understand the logic behind that statement, but I hear it all of the time. Frankly, the statement makes me feel trapped inside some ridiculous 20th century coming-of-age (pre-Judy Blume era) novel...you know what kind I'm talking about--where we're supposed to fall in the love with the heroine who is aching to challenge the Establishment, but she's caught between wanting to follow the freedom that will unlock her heart and her immobilizing fear of breaking the norm, so she's reconditioned to present her docile and ever-so-subordinate young woman idolized during that time.
Society never welcomes the Bitch into her house, does she?
Because I worry of workplace retaliation, I need to be careful how I tell this story. The boring sketch tells the story of a friend who traveled last week with a male co-worker from another team, and this co-worker said and did inappropriate things that made her uncomfortable, so while she did inform her boss upon her return, she doesn't want to file a complaint because she's afraid of the corporate sexual harassment policy (zero tolerance) that might cost him his job and all she wants is to ensure she doesn't have to travel with him again. Something a lot of women have probably experienced, yes?
What makes me mad are the details of her story. As she unraveled the events, I grew more horrified with each example she provided, as it is clear this co-worker not only lacks tact, but his actions suggest that he was trying to create opportunities to be alone with her AND isolate her from other people. This is where borderline social nerd turns creepy. Oh, and then there was the absolutely blatant sexual pick-up involving a hot tub...but I've rushed ahead too much and need to back up a bit.
This co-worker has poor personal hygiene and is beyond morbidly obese, but he seems to have a pleasant demeanor in spite of his tendency to say and do embarrassing things in social situations. He has a history of disclosing too much personal information--my friend learned on a prior team trip that this co-worker and his wife engage in extra-marital sexual activities, and I learned on a team trip with him that he once had a fight with his ex-wife in which she locked him out of the bedroom, so he kicked down the door causing her to draw a gun on him, upon which he physically struck her in an attempt to defend himself. Oh, how the color gray looks different to everyone.
Days before this trip, he suggested she bring along her swimsuit because the hotel had a hot tub. The look of horror on her face must have been apparent because he quickly tried to come back with a witty comment about a fat man in a Speedo. She shared this story with me and we both had a good laugh. I wished her well on her trip.
The first night of their trip, he came to her room and knocked on her door close to midnight. She was caught off guard, and she didn't open the door to him. The next day, he overshared with her his personal frustration with our company and openly complained about the members of their team. In front of the supplier, he made a disparaging remark about our company, somewhat compromising his credibility to those who were present. My friend was embarrassed, but again, shrugged it off as more tactless behavior. That evening before they headed out to dinner, she tried to schedule a ride to the airport with the hotel shuttle, but he interrupted her request, created a loud scene in the hotel lobby, and informed her he would take her to the airport in the morning (despite the 3 hour difference between their departing flights on different airlines). In a subordinating tone, he cut off her conversation with "We'll discuss this over dinner." During dinner, he continued to make disruptive scenes so other patrons would look their way. When he noticed her shiver because of the cold air, he said, "Well, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to warm you up is to put you in the hot tub when we get back." Completely stunned, my friend responded, "The only thing I'll be doing when I return to the hotel is my Accounting homework," to which he tried to offer his tutoring services to her, but she continued to decline. Due to her people-pleasing and I-don't-want-to-cause-a-scene demeanor, she accepted the ride to the airport the next morning, but not only did he cause them to leave the hotel late, he headed in the opposite direction from the airport and refused to turn around for nearly 4 miles. When he dropped her off at Departures, she thought she was finally rid of his inappropriate behavior for the time being, but then he showed up at her gate and waited with her until she boarded her flight. Did I mention his flight left 3 hours later and on a different airline?
Is this the odd behavior of a socially awkward and lonely man, or does it suggest predatory/stalking behavior? In this day and age of zero tolerance sexual harassment, most corporate policies leave little room to resolve the gray area of inappropriate behavior that causes someone discomfort. Most men consider corporate policies skewed unfairly in favor of women with little room for men to explain their side of the story. For every case of true sexual harassment, it seems as if there is a corresponding case of false accusation. So what are we supposed to do? Without actual harm as a result of the encounter, how does one sincerely interpret what happened and why they feel uncomfortable? Women are socially groomed to silently endure discomfort and only speak out when they are truly harmed. Besides, no woman wants to be known as the person who got someone fired simply because he made her feel uncomfortable. Social and personal comfort is so subjective these days.
I truly feel for my friend. As she told her story, she tried to explain what his intent could have meant with his actions...in essence, she was trying to rationalize away how he made her feel. I reminded her that it did not matter his intent--he could be sincere and nerdy and unaware that he crossed a line or he could have been trying to create an opportunity for an invitation--it really doesn't matter what he intended nor will she ever know without confronting him...the bottom line is that his actions were inappropriate, and that is not something she should ignore.
I feel for my friend because I recognize all too well that her need to soothe the situation and not stir up trouble with the company is part of how women are socially conditioned to be docile. In my mind, she should have felt empowered to stand up for herself, call out his behavior and inform him when he crossed the line, but in all honestly, I know that if I were to be in her situation, I would have done much of the same as her--I would have tried to endure the best I can and have minimal contact, not challenge him, and try to make myself as small and invisible as possible, praying that my trip would end soon so I could get back to my comfort zone.
WHY IS THAT??? Why do we do that? I'm tired. I need to ponder this some more.
I never really did understand the logic behind that statement, but I hear it all of the time. Frankly, the statement makes me feel trapped inside some ridiculous 20th century coming-of-age (pre-Judy Blume era) novel...you know what kind I'm talking about--where we're supposed to fall in the love with the heroine who is aching to challenge the Establishment, but she's caught between wanting to follow the freedom that will unlock her heart and her immobilizing fear of breaking the norm, so she's reconditioned to present her docile and ever-so-subordinate young woman idolized during that time.
Society never welcomes the Bitch into her house, does she?
Because I worry of workplace retaliation, I need to be careful how I tell this story. The boring sketch tells the story of a friend who traveled last week with a male co-worker from another team, and this co-worker said and did inappropriate things that made her uncomfortable, so while she did inform her boss upon her return, she doesn't want to file a complaint because she's afraid of the corporate sexual harassment policy (zero tolerance) that might cost him his job and all she wants is to ensure she doesn't have to travel with him again. Something a lot of women have probably experienced, yes?
What makes me mad are the details of her story. As she unraveled the events, I grew more horrified with each example she provided, as it is clear this co-worker not only lacks tact, but his actions suggest that he was trying to create opportunities to be alone with her AND isolate her from other people. This is where borderline social nerd turns creepy. Oh, and then there was the absolutely blatant sexual pick-up involving a hot tub...but I've rushed ahead too much and need to back up a bit.
This co-worker has poor personal hygiene and is beyond morbidly obese, but he seems to have a pleasant demeanor in spite of his tendency to say and do embarrassing things in social situations. He has a history of disclosing too much personal information--my friend learned on a prior team trip that this co-worker and his wife engage in extra-marital sexual activities, and I learned on a team trip with him that he once had a fight with his ex-wife in which she locked him out of the bedroom, so he kicked down the door causing her to draw a gun on him, upon which he physically struck her in an attempt to defend himself. Oh, how the color gray looks different to everyone.
Days before this trip, he suggested she bring along her swimsuit because the hotel had a hot tub. The look of horror on her face must have been apparent because he quickly tried to come back with a witty comment about a fat man in a Speedo. She shared this story with me and we both had a good laugh. I wished her well on her trip.
The first night of their trip, he came to her room and knocked on her door close to midnight. She was caught off guard, and she didn't open the door to him. The next day, he overshared with her his personal frustration with our company and openly complained about the members of their team. In front of the supplier, he made a disparaging remark about our company, somewhat compromising his credibility to those who were present. My friend was embarrassed, but again, shrugged it off as more tactless behavior. That evening before they headed out to dinner, she tried to schedule a ride to the airport with the hotel shuttle, but he interrupted her request, created a loud scene in the hotel lobby, and informed her he would take her to the airport in the morning (despite the 3 hour difference between their departing flights on different airlines). In a subordinating tone, he cut off her conversation with "We'll discuss this over dinner." During dinner, he continued to make disruptive scenes so other patrons would look their way. When he noticed her shiver because of the cold air, he said, "Well, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to warm you up is to put you in the hot tub when we get back." Completely stunned, my friend responded, "The only thing I'll be doing when I return to the hotel is my Accounting homework," to which he tried to offer his tutoring services to her, but she continued to decline. Due to her people-pleasing and I-don't-want-to-cause-a-scene demeanor, she accepted the ride to the airport the next morning, but not only did he cause them to leave the hotel late, he headed in the opposite direction from the airport and refused to turn around for nearly 4 miles. When he dropped her off at Departures, she thought she was finally rid of his inappropriate behavior for the time being, but then he showed up at her gate and waited with her until she boarded her flight. Did I mention his flight left 3 hours later and on a different airline?
Is this the odd behavior of a socially awkward and lonely man, or does it suggest predatory/stalking behavior? In this day and age of zero tolerance sexual harassment, most corporate policies leave little room to resolve the gray area of inappropriate behavior that causes someone discomfort. Most men consider corporate policies skewed unfairly in favor of women with little room for men to explain their side of the story. For every case of true sexual harassment, it seems as if there is a corresponding case of false accusation. So what are we supposed to do? Without actual harm as a result of the encounter, how does one sincerely interpret what happened and why they feel uncomfortable? Women are socially groomed to silently endure discomfort and only speak out when they are truly harmed. Besides, no woman wants to be known as the person who got someone fired simply because he made her feel uncomfortable. Social and personal comfort is so subjective these days.
I truly feel for my friend. As she told her story, she tried to explain what his intent could have meant with his actions...in essence, she was trying to rationalize away how he made her feel. I reminded her that it did not matter his intent--he could be sincere and nerdy and unaware that he crossed a line or he could have been trying to create an opportunity for an invitation--it really doesn't matter what he intended nor will she ever know without confronting him...the bottom line is that his actions were inappropriate, and that is not something she should ignore.
I feel for my friend because I recognize all too well that her need to soothe the situation and not stir up trouble with the company is part of how women are socially conditioned to be docile. In my mind, she should have felt empowered to stand up for herself, call out his behavior and inform him when he crossed the line, but in all honestly, I know that if I were to be in her situation, I would have done much of the same as her--I would have tried to endure the best I can and have minimal contact, not challenge him, and try to make myself as small and invisible as possible, praying that my trip would end soon so I could get back to my comfort zone.
WHY IS THAT??? Why do we do that? I'm tired. I need to ponder this some more.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Pre-Race Jitters
I'm in a pensive mood right now...these moments happen when I'm the right mix of relaxed and stimulated at the same time (if that makes sense)...like not a sleepy/dreamy relaxed, but the kind of relaxed in which I don't have a laundry list of things I need to do running through my mind.
I'll be the first to admit, sometimes it's the alcohol. However, tonight is my last drink for the rest of the week. Including wine. I have a race next Saturday, and I want to be at my optimum performance and not suffering from a sulfide-induced headache. [Besides, I just poured off the last of my Absolut so it's a good time to pretend I'm abstaining for Lent.]
"You come off as totally self-confident, but why not take a peek behind that oh-so-confident façade. Are you actually a little bit frightened of romantic attachment? Of intimacy and the vulnerability that goes along with it? Hey, that's totally normal. The question is, why do you try so hard to hide it? Ponder that this month."
I told you He talks to me through my horoscopes. No one else knows I struggle with this exact issue. I go back and forth, wrestling with my mind and my heart...I recently took the easy way out with D and am putting forth a valiant effort to close off my heart. I'm still struggling with this. And so He spoke to me again today: "Don't automatically give up what you want--examine the situation."
And so now I need to talk about D again.
I was at ease with my decision to tell D that it's better if we're just friends for now. It still feels like the most rational and logical decision under the circumstances. Besides, it eased my stress and cleared my mind...it allowed me to redirect my thoughts to the critical stuff at work.
Yes, I was afraid of getting hurt, but this isn't all about me. It's about him too. He's not ready (or he's not ready for me). I don't want to take a risk with him and then lose even the possibility of friendship with him, so this seems like the most reasonable (and yes, I admit, SAFE) thing to do.
So I gave up what I wanted because I was afraid. But you know, you cannot choose someone who isn't available to be chosen...so is that really giving up or is it a stalemate?
In other news of changes with Ruby...the longest relationship I've ever had with any hairdresser is the one that I have right now. When T got married, this is the woman who created my fabulous up-do. When I moved back to this state, I immediately worked my way into her limited schedule.
I trust her completely. Each cut, style, and coloring that she's given me...I've taken these risks from her suggestion. This last change is no exception. I went in for a trim and new highlights, and I left with a 5 inches cut off and a new do. The biggest risk is how her style can look fabulous when I leave her shop but it's essentially unrepeatable when left to my own devices the next day. However, this one may be a keeper. Not only was I able to reproduce her style, but I think I'm going to really like the new things I can do with it too.
So happiness (at least for today) is that I have new glasses and new hair...alas, I'll be content with this for a while.
Right now the weather indicates warmer temperatures (30s-40s) but 40% chance of rain next Saturday...I’m not sure which is worse--the bitter cold and biting wind (but no rain), or tolerable temperatures with water splattering in my face. 6 miles is going to take me approximately an hour and 45 minutes to finish...this will be interesting. More to post on that when it happens.
p.s. I watched the film "Hard Candy" last night. Um, this is perhaps one of the darkest films I've watched in a while...the castration scene was handled extremely well and despite not showing any bit of the gore, I struggled to sit still and be able to watch the scene in full...the actor did a phenomenal job really creating the tension for us. It's like "Misery" meets "Take Back the Night"...Ellen Page was amazing.
I'll be the first to admit, sometimes it's the alcohol. However, tonight is my last drink for the rest of the week. Including wine. I have a race next Saturday, and I want to be at my optimum performance and not suffering from a sulfide-induced headache. [Besides, I just poured off the last of my Absolut so it's a good time to pretend I'm abstaining for Lent.]
"You come off as totally self-confident, but why not take a peek behind that oh-so-confident façade. Are you actually a little bit frightened of romantic attachment? Of intimacy and the vulnerability that goes along with it? Hey, that's totally normal. The question is, why do you try so hard to hide it? Ponder that this month."
I told you He talks to me through my horoscopes. No one else knows I struggle with this exact issue. I go back and forth, wrestling with my mind and my heart...I recently took the easy way out with D and am putting forth a valiant effort to close off my heart. I'm still struggling with this. And so He spoke to me again today: "Don't automatically give up what you want--examine the situation."
And so now I need to talk about D again.
I was at ease with my decision to tell D that it's better if we're just friends for now. It still feels like the most rational and logical decision under the circumstances. Besides, it eased my stress and cleared my mind...it allowed me to redirect my thoughts to the critical stuff at work.
Yes, I was afraid of getting hurt, but this isn't all about me. It's about him too. He's not ready (or he's not ready for me). I don't want to take a risk with him and then lose even the possibility of friendship with him, so this seems like the most reasonable (and yes, I admit, SAFE) thing to do.
So I gave up what I wanted because I was afraid. But you know, you cannot choose someone who isn't available to be chosen...so is that really giving up or is it a stalemate?
In other news of changes with Ruby...the longest relationship I've ever had with any hairdresser is the one that I have right now. When T got married, this is the woman who created my fabulous up-do. When I moved back to this state, I immediately worked my way into her limited schedule.
I trust her completely. Each cut, style, and coloring that she's given me...I've taken these risks from her suggestion. This last change is no exception. I went in for a trim and new highlights, and I left with a 5 inches cut off and a new do. The biggest risk is how her style can look fabulous when I leave her shop but it's essentially unrepeatable when left to my own devices the next day. However, this one may be a keeper. Not only was I able to reproduce her style, but I think I'm going to really like the new things I can do with it too.
So happiness (at least for today) is that I have new glasses and new hair...alas, I'll be content with this for a while.
Right now the weather indicates warmer temperatures (30s-40s) but 40% chance of rain next Saturday...I’m not sure which is worse--the bitter cold and biting wind (but no rain), or tolerable temperatures with water splattering in my face. 6 miles is going to take me approximately an hour and 45 minutes to finish...this will be interesting. More to post on that when it happens.
p.s. I watched the film "Hard Candy" last night. Um, this is perhaps one of the darkest films I've watched in a while...the castration scene was handled extremely well and despite not showing any bit of the gore, I struggled to sit still and be able to watch the scene in full...the actor did a phenomenal job really creating the tension for us. It's like "Misery" meets "Take Back the Night"...Ellen Page was amazing.
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